Horoscopes: Feb. 24

ARIES March 21 | April 19

If it seems like the world is out to get you, it probably isn’t. But, if it seems like someone in particular is out to get you, you can never be too careful. Do a reflection this week: Who have you wronged? Who has a motive? Apologize to those people this week. Either that or watch your back.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Some days it feels like everything in your life is slowly falling apart. And by that I mean, like, every physical thing in your life. My favorite pair of leggings have become a shell of their former self. My key lanyard looks like it was chewed up by a dog. Respect your possessions this week.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Light is very important for someone like me––maybe I’m part plant. Engage your inner chlorophyll by basking in the sun on the two days per week that it’s 50º between the five days per week that are 15º. Set up cute lights in your room. And TURN YOUR PHONE BRIGHTNESS DOWN!!!!!!

CANCER June 21 | July 22

Everyone’s got a little impetus in them to participate in fiendish activities every once in a while. If you’re getting a little bit of an urge to… pocket things that aren’t technically yours, for example or… investigate places behind locked doors, try to do so in a way that you won’t get caught. I will not be made liable.

LEO July 23 | August 22

It’s good to know your body. I, for example, am a very cold person. Maybe you run warm. Or maybe your temperature regulation is fine, but you are just very sweaty. Try and understand where your cells work and where they don’t. I have no fix for this, as I am not a biologist. Just try your best.

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

Annoyances are running high this week, but never fear: I set up a support group just for you and your grievances. For only $5 a minute (which is given to me as payment for the labor of writing these horoscopes) you can call 1-800-SO-UPSET to air your woes. We can’t solve them, but we can listen. 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

How many times a week do you feel like you want to lie down on the floor and just kind of stay there for a while? Listen to your body and maybe you’ll find a concrete amount. This is a very important number—use it to solve all of the math equations that have been haunting you. I’m a very good mathematician; trust me. 

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Midterms are coming up, which means it’s undoubtedly time to write so, so many papers. And listen, I love writing, but it can be spooky and scary sometimes. If you feel this way too, try my favoritest little trick: Just kinda sit there until the spirit comes to you. So what if it comes to you two hours before the due date?! It’s what was meant to be. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Are you feeling more bubbly and positive than usual this week? Channel that! Your aura has marvelous effects. Laugh into a mason jar and put the lid on, and then you’ll have happiness for days on end. Make sure to keep it in a cool, dark place, though. You don’t want happiness to spoil; believe me. 

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

The other day I almost gave in to my whims and bought TikTok slime off the internet. It was a bad day for me. But listen,: sometimes when we want to buy TikTok slime, it’s really our brain crying for help. Understand this, and use it to your advantage every time you think, “Maybe I COULD spend a lot of money on chai lattes.”

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

I am constantly fascinated by the weird world around us. Like, who decided that some leaves should be fuzzy like fur? Or that some teeny tiny ants have the most painful sting ever? Or that poison dart frogs are so, so cute yet can’t be my best friend? Life is so strange and wonderful. Admire nature this week, and take notes. Pop quiz next Thursday.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

What’s the name for that thing where Valentine’s Day is over but you still have all the leftover chocolate? Malaise, maybe. If you are falling into a malaise trap this week, know firstly that you are not alone, but secondly know that Easter is coming up soon, so there will be more candy before you know it. 


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