Horoscopes: March 24


ARIES March 21 | April 19

Try to think about what your dentist would say about you today. Would they say you’ve improved on your habits? Started caring more for yourself?  Be the person your dentist would want you to be.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

You should have a magic trick ready to perform at any moment. I think there should be a national magic day where everybody performs their own pre-prepared magic trick. Upon further research, National Magic Day is apparently on Halloween, which is not ideal and should be changed. I’m proposing April 4th. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

This will be a challenging week for you. Maybe too challenging. Remember that a CDL license could be your ticket to a free life on the road driving big rigs. 


CANCER June 21| July 22

The dentist is your friend. They are looking out for you—even if they pick and pry where they shouldn’t. 

LEO July 23 | August 22

Remember when you thought Subway was a quality restaurant? Now it’s just a severely underwhelming establishment. That doesn’t mean you should vocally hate on Subway, it means you should just move on to bigger and better things. 

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

Something tells me your next dentist appointment will not go as well as the previous one. It will hurt a lot more than usual, and they will question your commitment to flossing. 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

According to howmanyofme.com and popular belief, there are 12 Dwayne Dejesuses in the United States. Perhaps you’ve met one of them. Your entire week will be at the mercy of the 12 individuals—if you end up having a good week, sing your praises to the Dwaynes. If you end up having a bad week, recognize the immense power the Dwaynes have over you.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

A raccoon will see you this week, but you will not see the raccoon. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Remember that time the Pope slapped a woman on the hand? He had something to say after that blooper: “Love makes us patient. So many times we lose patience, even me, and I apologize for yesterday’s bad example.” I think about that quote a lot. 


CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Scientists predict the first person who will live to 200 is already alive. I predict the McRib will come back in November.


AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Your bowling abilities this week are at the highest they will be at all year. Bowl this week, and expect to get at least one strike and two spares. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Whether you picked the Richmond Spiders in the Madness of March or bet on a horse named Wintergreen at the racetrack, there’s nothing like losing money on beautifully-named things. 


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