Introducing: Iron Chef Deece

Everyone loves Deece food. Everyone! It’s an incontrovertible fact. We can argue about it if you want, but remember, buddy—you’re talking to a screen, and you look pretty dumb right now. Anyway, Deece food is delicious, nutritious and always available for those willing to make the arduous trip from their dorm room. But, much as I hate to say it, things can get a little stale around there, and I’m not just talking about the end piece of the loaf of bread that’s been sitting at the deli for days, either. It’s important to find ways to “spice up” your Deece meals and keep them interesting, and sometimes even interesting in a good way. So, without further ado, here are some tips to make your dinner à la Deece the best it can be!

Condiments, baby! I’m not talking about ketchup and mustard here, either. The touchless condiment dispensers by the utensils are an excellent way of ensuring that COVID doesn’t get spread by touch the way it would be by, you know, grabbing a fork out of the holder six inches to the right that everyone else has been grabbing forks out of too. The way they dispense condiments seems like magic, but that comes with a drawback—it is magic, and they can only be operated by an actual wizard. So if you, like me, were bitterly disappointed to wake up on your 11th birthday without a letter from Hogwarts, you’ll be stuck waving your hand in the air like an idiot until you finally give up.

No, when I say “condiments,” I’m talking about hot sauce. Yes, those gross, sticky bottles at Your Kitchen and by the Grill—that hot sauce. You may be reluctant to grab something that’s just been handled by a sports bro with his nose hanging out of his mask, but trust me, the risk is worth it! I love spicy food, and I go for the hot sauce whenever I possibly can. There’s no better way to enjoy a Deece meal than to douse it with the good stuff until every bite sets your mouth (and intestines) on fire!

Grill that sandwich! Want to enjoy a nice sandwich in a new way? Try using the panini press to give it some heat! Some people, of course, object to the presses on the grounds that they are coated in an inch-thick layer of blackened cheese and breadcrumbs that began to form during the Obama administration. But we’re not cowards here, are we? Sure, the black stuff will be pressed into the outside of your sandwich as it cooks, but it will also be heated to a food-safe 140°F—so whatever it is, it’s definitely sanitized! Plus, I find that the flavor of mystery carcinogens gives my sandwich a real je ne sais quoi. Littéralement, je ne sais quoi!

Make it your own! Sometimes it’s nice to blame yourself, rather than other people, for the fact that your dinner is an utter disappointment. If you’re craving that feeling, there’s nothing better than to go to Your Kitchen, break out a pan and get cooking! The induction burners only have two temperature settings—“old man exhaling” and “Chernobyl reactor”—which can mean that the food you cook on them is either half-raw and damp or charred to a bubbling crisp. But at least you can make your food your own! One favorite recipe of mine is the “spicy Joe,” a delectable sandwich I concoct from a Beyond burger patty, magic ketchup and mustard and  every spicy flavoring in the spice caddy, but you can run wild. And always remember my Number One Cooking Tip: Smoke inhalation is bad for your health!

So there you have it: Three ways to kick your Deece meal up several notches. If you try out my “hacks,” you’ll be sure to find that your food is more delicious than ever before. That might be because it really is, or it might be because you followed my food-safety instructions, and you’re now eating caviar and foie gras in the Big Dining Hall in the Sky, but either path leads to a tastier meal, right? Until next time—and remember to stay spicy!

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