Horoscopes: March 31


ARIES March 21 | April 19

Never fear, your weekly horoscope is here! Gonna tell you exactly how your week is gonna go. Give me a second while I read the stars … You might see a lizard this week. Up on the roof? (I have no idea what that might mean, but the stars are always right. Maybe by reading every first word you’ll understand.)

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Fortasse hac septimana prophetiam tuam non intelliges. Utile hoc est, quia aliquando intelligere non potes, et hoc est bonum opus. Sinite confusionem, ut vos doceat. Confusus sum. Captus sum mihi videor. Recte loqui non possum. Adiuva me. Quaeso, quaeso, obsecro te. Nescio quanto diutius durabit…

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

01010111 01101001 01110011 01101000 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110100 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100111 00100000 01010010 01001110 00101110 00100000 01000001 01101100 01100001 01110011

CANCER June 21| July 22

Hey guys and welcome back to my channel! This video has been lovingly sponsored by Casetify. Casetify phone cases are super durable, but don’t compromise on cool designs! They have three levels of durability for three types of lifestyles. Get 20% off when you use code HOROSCOPES at tinyurl.com/bdd6hu5n.

LEO July 23 | August 22

There once was a woman from Mars who thought she could read from the stars. 

She wasn’t believed—for a while was bereav’d—

But who cares? Now she’s here, spitting bars.

August 23 | September 22

My mistress’ eyes look nothing like the sun. Does yours’s eyes look like the sun, or not? Have you a so-called “mistress” as I speak? Seems slightly sexist in these modern times. But who am I to tell you how to live? I simply write the prophecies each week. To find a mistress, or do no such thing? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Sometimes I get down on myself. But then I remember what they said in “Fiddler on the Roof”: “Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum. All day long I’d biddy biddy bum if I were a wealthy man. I wouldn’t have to work hard, ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum, if I were a biddy biddy rich yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.” 

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

?  +  ?   = ?

?  +  ?   =  ?

?   +  ?   = ?

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda only one for me!

Are you a WiFi hotspot? Because I feel a connection.

Are you my appendix? I don’t know what you do or how you work, but I feel like I should take you out.

Business and/or personal inquiries: mdonat@vassar.edu

December 22 | January 19

Life is very short.

Celebrate that through this week.

Next week, though, watch out.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

The Pacific Ocean is 3.5 percent salt. The Red Sea is four percent salt. The Black Sea is one percent salt. The Baltic Sea is 0.6 percent salt. And the Dead Sea is 34 percent salt. Keep this in mind in the coming days.


PISCES February 19 | March 20

6:00 a.m.: Wake up.

6:03 a.m.: Breakfast and pondering.

2:15 p.m.: Late lunch.

4:46 p.m.: Think about the state of our universe.

8:29 p.m.: Late dinner.

11:02 p.m.: Sword videos on YouTube.


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