Never fear, your weekly horoscope is here! Gonna tell you exactly how your week is gonna go. Give me a second while I read the stars … You might see a lizard this week. Up on the roof? (I have no idea what that might mean, but the stars are always right. Maybe by reading every first word you’ll understand.)
Fortasse hac septimana prophetiam tuam non intelliges. Utile hoc est, quia aliquando intelligere non potes, et hoc est bonum opus. Sinite confusionem, ut vos doceat. Confusus sum. Captus sum mihi videor. Recte loqui non possum. Adiuva me. Quaeso, quaeso, obsecro te. Nescio quanto diutius durabit…
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There once was a woman from Mars who thought she could read from the stars.
She wasn’t believed—for a while was bereav’d—
But who cares? Now she’s here, spitting bars.
August 23 | September 22
My mistress’ eyes look nothing like the sun. Does yours’s eyes look like the sun, or not? Have you a so-called “mistress” as I speak? Seems slightly sexist in these modern times. But who am I to tell you how to live? I simply write the prophecies each week. To find a mistress, or do no such thing? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.
Sometimes I get down on myself. But then I remember what they said in “Fiddler on the Roof”: “Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum. All day long I’d biddy biddy bum if I were a wealthy man. I wouldn’t have to work hard, ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum, if I were a biddy biddy rich yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.”
? + ? = ?
? + ? = ?
? + ? = ?
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda only one for me!
Are you a WiFi hotspot? Because I feel a connection.
Are you my appendix? I don’t know what you do or how you work, but I feel like I should take you out.
Business and/or personal inquiries: mdonat@vassar.edu
December 22 | January 19
Life is very short.
Celebrate that through this week.
Next week, though, watch out.
The Pacific Ocean is 3.5 percent salt. The Red Sea is four percent salt. The Black Sea is one percent salt. The Baltic Sea is 0.6 percent salt. And the Dead Sea is 34 percent salt. Keep this in mind in the coming days.
6:00 a.m.: Wake up.
6:03 a.m.: Breakfast and pondering.
2:15 p.m.: Late lunch.
4:46 p.m.: Think about the state of our universe.
8:29 p.m.: Late dinner.
11:02 p.m.: Sword videos on YouTube.