Westboro Baptist Church retracts statement calling Vassar an ‘Ivy League Whorehouse’ after realizing Vassar isn’t a part of the Ivy League

When it comes to inflammatory hate speech and staunch hyper-Calvinism, it is difficult to find an organization better at it than the infamous Westboro Baptist Church. Known for its hate speech and general awfulness, the WBC (as it is unaffectionately called) has a whopping 70 members and uses the f-slur with abandon. However, even homophobes have their limits when it comes to pursuit of knowledge. Last Sunday, the Church put out a statement retracting their 2013 statement that called Vassar College an “Ivy League Whorehouse,” not because of its hate speech, but because the Church realized that Vassar was, in fact, not a part of the Ivy League.

“I mean, I graduated high school when I was sixteen, so clearly I’m not lacking in the knowledge department,” said the reanimated corpse of WBC founder Fred Phelps on the issue. “But this was such a huge oversight. The Church does copious amounts of research on every group of people we choose to slander. We have no excuse for this. I think I’m most disappointed in the potentially large number of Vassar students who proudly took on the name. Of course they wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to be associated with more prestigious schools. Shysters and winos, the whole lot of them.” Phelps then disintegrated into a fiery haze before The Misc could get any further comments.

Many students reacted negatively to the news. “We have very little going for us,” said Pooja Huded ’25. “Most of my friends haven’t even heard of Vassar, and I’m from Long Island. Sure, Meryl Streep is an alumna and we have the word ‘ass’ in our name. That’s it. We couldn’t even develop a new strain of herpes like Marist College did. I hate Marist.”

“‘Ivy League Whorehouse’ just rolls off the tongue,” said noted linguist Huda Rahman ’23. “‘Seven Sisters Whorehouse’ doesn’t have the same ring to it, sadly. Wait, are you writing this down?”

Where does Vassar go from here? It’s difficult to say. Some might advocate hitting the labs to develop a new strain of an STD to compete with local schools like Marist. Others continue to embrace the fact that Vassar almost merged with Yale, a tidbit still brought up at cocktail parties and awkward “So which school do you go to?” conversations, much to the annoyance of grandmas and non-Vassar students alike. But one thing’s for sure: Vassar has never been and will never be part of the Ivy League. Stop spreading misinformation today. Embrace inferiority.

 

2 Comments

  1. Funny. Clever. However, stop with the Grandma jokes. Once a cool and ironically detached VC student (’80), I am now a Grandma, and despite the external demise of parts of me, I remain the same critical thinker, ironically detached, gorgeous and brave woman I was in Poughkeepsie

  2. This is seriously the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I expect to see this writer’s name on an Onion article some day. This is the first time I’ve shared a Misc article on my Facebook. Beautifully done.

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