Horoscopes: April 6

 

ARIES March 21 | April 19

I’ve heard the internet is abuzz with some sort of controversy this week. Apparently, somebody is mad at somebody else for doing or not doing something, and it’s causing everyone a lot of grief. Except for the people it’s not. You don’t have anything to do with it? That’s good. (Mercury tells me it’s your fault).

 

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

When was the last time you saw a dog? Oooh, it’s been that long? Well, uh, stay safe, I guess. Or try really hard to see a dog within the next 57 minutes. Wow. Dogs.

 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

The stars tell me that a tall, dark stranger will come into your life soon. Remember: if you should meet a God on the road, kill them. 

 

CANCER June 21| July 22

Have you noticed that all the staircases around campus have been falling apart this week? On an unrelated note, the Board of Trustees just voted to increase tuition. I have no answers, only questions. 

 

LEO July 23 | August 22

We, as a society, are scared of tight jeans. I see all these people walking around with fat wads of denim around their legs, ballooning out far out into space. I don’t particularly care, but I will let you know that the stars are displeased. 

 

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

There are many types of banana: sweet, starchy, long, short, Deece, Express. They have many different names and purposes. One person’s favorite cultivar is another’s favorite odium. You are like a banana, and that’s okay.

 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

I’ve been told by my editor that “the stars” are in fact “astrological bodies” and not the disembodied heads of Harry Styles and Tilda Swinton who visit me in my dreams. Therefore, I must apologize for my erroneous horoscope from last week. All of the other signs were correct, except yours. 

 

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

This is a call-out to the lacrosse team. It’s not about anything specific, though I’m sure there are many complaints. But here’s a specific one: every time I see your team in the Deece, I get more and more confused. About many things. Me, you, the state of sports, the concept of a “HWC”…”

 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

No, I cannot put you in touch with Meryl Streep. The stars told me they can, but they won’t. If you weren’t a Sagittarius, she would consider a response, but…well, you know what you are. 

 

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

I love parentheticals. You should too! (Unless you don’t, which is fine. But know that the stars understand the benefit of almost not saying something and then saying it anyways (but quietly)) 

 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Gaslight. Gatekeep. Girlboss. Gentrify. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Gentrification attacked. Only the Karen, master of all four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed her most, she faked a panic attack in a Bath and Body Works.

 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

English professors so often ask, “What is your purpose? Why am I here? When can I see my family again?” If anything, this is a lesson in the proper care and feeding of academics.

 

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