As someone who has lived in Jewett House for a copious six months, I consider myself to be something of a Jewett connoisseur. A black and gold groupie, if you will. An owl aficionado. This is why I have decided to take it upon myself—on behalf of Vassar—to do what many have dreamed but few have dared to do: rank the floors of this wondrous house. I scoured up and down, pressing the elevator buttons again and again, searching for that elusive best floor. Here are my scientifically-proven findings (which ultimately don’t matter because Jewett House = best house, no matter the floor):
- Third Floor: To be honest, I don’t know anything about or anybody who lives on the third floor of Jewett. But right away, if you look to the left, there are marks on the wall. Not very sexy.
- Sixth Floor: Layout is so confusing. I didn’t even think you guys had a common room until I did some sleuthing and realized it’s divided in two on either side of the floor. Which is actually kind of nice, I wish our floor had that.
- Seventh Floor: Often I see very well-dressed people pressing the seventh floor button on the Jewett elevator. I think it was a seventh-floor-dweller who showed me the trick for that pesky fifth floor button, the one where you have to press on it from an angle and slide in the center. Saved me from a lot of rage-fueled slams on the button at 4:00 p.m. on a Thursday.
- Second Floor: The second floor is so cool. It has nice chairs and those clear glass windows on the side where you can look down at the first floor and assert dominance over those lowly NSO peasants.
- First Floor: I probably should have ranked the first floor higher because it gets a ton of compliments whenever I bring people over. Everybody always “oohs” and “aahs” and “Wow, it is exactly like a hotel!” and I usually say thanks, but I don’t know why. I didn’t architect the building. I didn’t even choose to live here. Anyway, the first floor has all this wood paneling and fancy furniture; every time I walk in, I feel like a 1920s flapper in a B-grade horror movie about to be murdered. I love it.
- Fifth Floor: Hehe, isn’t that funny. Fifth floor at fifth place. Anyway—I live on the fifth floor of Jewett and I thought it would be unfair to rank it higher or lower than the exact middle of this list. I’m an honest, unbiased woman. And there are a lot of things I both like and dislike about the fifth floor. Likes: the view of just the tips of other dorm buildings, gross ramen smell that pervades the air long after it’s cooked, the long white table in the common room that other people are always using. Dislikes:..well, I can’t really think of anything.
- Fourth Floor: Wow, wouldn’t you believe it: the universe conspired again to place Jewett’s fourth floor at number four on the list. The fourth floor is like a nice Jack-in-the-Box chicken fajita pita: dependable and satisfies a deep craving after you come home late at night from traveling all day. How many times have I gone to the fourth floor just to fill up my water bottle from its refreshing springs because fifth floor water is warm and sucks? Too many to count.
- Basement: This is the floor that I spend the most time in besides the fifth floor because it has washing machines. Despite the fact that the furniture has…weird stains, Jewett’s basement is rather nice and spacious. The vending machines in the back are filled with the finest of eatables (chocolate-covered pretzels? Yes please) and the laundry room also had, for a brief period of time, a composition notebook in which people would write pleasant notes. I don’t know where that notebook is now. Someone from the third floor probably stole it.
- Ninth Floor: Anybody who’s been on the ninth floor of Jewett knows that it’s something magical. As soon as you step out of the elevator, there’s a chill, calming breeze that welcomes you. The common room of the floor is brightly decorated. If you look out the window, you see the best view on campus. I just wish all those pesky people who live here would move so I could see it.
- Fifth Floor: That’s right, at number one we got the fifth floor again! Sorry eighth floor, you’re so forgettable you didn’t even make the top ten. There are a lot of reasons why the fifth floor of Jewett is the best floor in the house. For starters, I live there. And so do other people, like my neighbors who I never talk to. The bathrooms are super chill, except for the horrific vomit incident of December 2021, but I am sworn to secrecy on the matter. We also got renovated slightly over winter break, which was amazing. Goodbye ladybug carcasses in my overhead lighting. Goodbye wonky lightbulbs in the hallway. Goodbye disabled stall shower head that accidentally burned my fingers because the water was so fucking hot. Hello happiness and heavy room doors that could chop off your fingers. Basically my fingers have never been safe since I came here, but what’s life if you’re not living on the edge?