Horoscopes: April 14


ARIES March 21 | April 19

Is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to take up but haven’t yet? Here are some examples: Photography! Baking! Soccer! Money laundering! It’s never too late to learn something new. All it takes is some basic equipment, drive and, most importantly, a good enough ruse to fool the SEC for at least a little while.  



TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Are you feeling fragile and volatile this week? (Those are two of my favorite words recently.) Like maybe you’re a precious vessel from Ancient Greece filled with some sort of explosive or fluorine gas or whatever. Try and take some deep breaths and curl up on the floor like a baby. Works for me (not really, but hey).



GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Some people I know have a signature color, like they’re always wearing yellow or green or blue whenever I see them. I think that’s really cool, mostly because I could never do that (I’m too indecisive). But if you’re like that too, maybe you could channel that energy into something else, like, IDK, always being on time.



CANCER June 21| July 22

Sometimes I find a song that tickles the folds of my brain and I wear it out like it’s a pair of cheap socks that I know are gonna break after a week, but it’s OK because they have little caterpillars on them. Point is, it’s OK to know that love sometimes ends in destruction but you must love anyway. Or something.



LEO July 23 | August 22

Trying to reach outside of my comfort zone recently, and I think you should, too. The world is huge, and the people and places you know are only a teeny part of it. You’d be surprised how many cool things and people are around you! You’ll make new friends—or maybe new enemies, which is frankly even better.



August 23 | September 22

If you think you might be going crazy, firstly, congrats. Secondly, immediately drink some water. If that doesn’t help, get yourself some finger paints immediately and whatever surface is nearest and legal, and go buck fucking wild. It’s truly magical. Plus, you can sell it for a billion dollars or whatever.




LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Adult life is just sending emails you hate about things you don’t want to talk about to people you don’t know. And that’s OK, because everyone else is similarly as annoyed by this concept as you. We should all be kind about this. Next time you have to send an email, shout it from the rooftops, and expect sympathy to come immediately.



SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Being here makes me miss my car. I want to driiiiiive on the open rooooooad or whatever. Even though the traffic is awful and everyone is mean. Recognize the things you miss this week, and then decide if you actually miss them or if your brain is repackaging a longing for security as a longing for traffic and sunburns.



SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

The stars are telling me you need to review your dating app profiles this week. Reevaluate the little likes and dislikes that you have decided to make all-encompassing facets of your personality. Favorite food? Favorite color? Random TikTok meme that was already passé at the end of 2021? All are possibilities. 



December 22 | January 19

It’s allergy season! My eyes are so itchy it makes me want to do violence. Cope with the impending doom of seeing clouds of pollen fly through the air like you’re in the movie “The Birds” (but with pollen instead of birds) by resolving to never go outside again. Vitamin D deficiency be damned.



AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

We need to remove the word “cringe” from our vocabulary. Mostly because it perpetuates the micro-trend culture and, thus, rampant consumerism, but also because it’s mean. Be cringe-tastic this week. Wear whatever, watch whatever, listen to whatever! Who cares! This is the week of being a beautiful normie :)



PISCES February 19 | March 20

What are you craving? Be it Pringles, parties, or a little “person-to-person connection” ;), know that you have the power to bring your dreams to life. Not literally, probably, but you can always, like, make a sculpture about it or something. That would manifest it. If this was unhelpful, blame the stars; they’ve been opaque this week.


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