The no-fuss side hustle: Making financial desperation trendy again

In our modern world, liberal arts graduates have it tough. You work four long years, finally snag your degree, and then find that the only openings in your field require 15+ years of experience and relocation to Topeka, Kansas. And that’s if there are any openings—as a history major, I’ve been informed by many reliable sources that my choice of degree will make it impossible for me to find any kind of gainful occupation more desirable than hosing down the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Is it any coincidence that the Pizza Mouse is America’s number-one employer of new liberal arts grads?

Well, if that were true, it sure would be a coincidence, because I just made that statistic up on the spot. But, you get my point, right? We face an uphill battle. Finding jobs is hard, and paying off student loans is harder—combine the two, and you get a depressing cocktail of despair that tastes a whole lot worse than jungle juice. But fear not! It’s true that you’ll need all the cash you can get, but I have a ready-made, convenient, simple, not-at-all-dystopian solution for you: The Side Hustle. How do you find a good side hustle, though, and how do you make the most of it? You’ve got questions, and I’ve got answers!

Hustle Tip Number One: Find a “sweet” gig! Undoubtedly, the best side hustle there is is being a sugar baby. Sure, you have to please overbearing, creepy middle-aged men who have no sense of personal boundaries, but really, is that any different than an office job? Just think: In exchange for a “date” or two a week, you could potentially pay off your rent! The time commitment is so low, in fact, that you could even have time for a side-side-hustle, thus achieving the coveted “hustle squared,” which is the mystical formula that allows you to both pay off your debt and afford a house before age 100. But hey…let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Hustle Tip Number Two: Choose the right platform for you! Increasingly, workers are turning to the “gig economy” to monetize their side hustles, which is, in my opinion, a sign of a completely healthy society—but you’ll need to figure out which major corporation to trust with your spare time! A Hot Tip for you is that this doesn’t matter at all. All of the major professional freelancing platforms—Fiverr, Uber, Grubhub, OnlyFans—have more or less the same “contract” for their employees, which is that, in exchange for hours of work at less than minimum wage, you earn the right to have their corporate logo branded onto your rear end with a tire iron. So what you should focus on is each app’s color scheme: Which one matches your phone case the best? Building your own personal brand is important, too!

Hustle Tip Number Three: Rise and grind! Whatever the hustle you settle on is, you’ll need to utilize every instant of your waking life to make it happen—and that means monetizing those valuable spare minutes. Have you ever noticed how unproductive you are directly after waking up, when you’re lying in bed still vaguely wondering whether those Martians you were dreaming about are going to take the probe out the easy way or the hard way? Simply get yourself up and moving the moment your alarm goes off by using electric shocks from a car battery. Think of the time you’ll save—plus, you won’t have to spend any money on hair styling!

So there you have it! In our modern society, it takes a real loser not to realize that one job just won’t cut it anymore. What do you think this is, 1965? No, you need to juggle at least two or three at all times in order to really “make it.” Luckily, smart people, hungry people, people with a real “winner’s mentality,” can hit that grind 24/7 and really dream believe achieve Tony Stark can’t stop won’t stop keeping it 100 billionaire mindset diamond hands Elon Musk win win win no matter what struggle rise shine Jordan Belfort sigma male. And, with a little practice, you can too! Now, if you’ll excuse me, somebody just threw up in the ball pit.

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