The stars have told me that this week, you’ll open PB’s Sunday email fast enough to be the first to identify the Mystery Picture. The week after, when she mentions you in her email, you’ll feel horribly, unavoidably ashamed. Sorry to be the one to break this to you, but destiny is destiny.
Your mother was wrong to say that to you, and there’s no easy way to repair that relationship. Consider, though, if it’s something that you want repaired.
I just told your child something different in the space above, but that advice is for them, not you! Here’s your advice: it’s not your fault, you are right, and really it’s a problem with their generation, not your parenting. You did everything right. You are blameless. Vere Virginis Mariae.
Some people insist that Vassar is indoctrinating its students with spooky ideas, like “Communism” and “patterns on patterns,” but nothing could be further from the truth! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch two hours of a pulsating spiral for my Econ class.
Due to a quirk of colonial geopolitics, there is an 800 mi² patch of earth between Egypt and Sudan that is unclaimed by either, and thus is entirely lawless. The stars don’t say you must move…but, hey, you’ll graduate eventually.
August 23 | September 22
Have you reached the point of the semester where procrastination is boring? It’s almost easier to just do the work you’re actually supposed to do. A tip: Try reviewing your Google accounts’ privacy settings (or writing horoscopes).
The stars whisper to me about your future. But, to be honest, they also whisper about a lot of other more important things. We spend, like, I don’t know, four seconds on you tops? Not trying to burst your bubble, just thought you should know. hugs+kisses xoxoxo!
Look at the back of your hands. Wiggle your fingers: can you see your tendons flexing? Isn’t that cool? Make sure you appreciate your hands some more before tomorrow morning. Don’t worry about it.
Some people use horoscopes to guide their investment decisions. That’s fine, but let this horoscope guide you to an even more secure financial state: Become a sugar baby! Vassar isn’t called the Ivy League Whorehouse for nothing!
December 22 | January 19
The history of constitutional law is one where the Supreme Court progressively gives itself more power while saying that only they can interpret the rules. Brainstorm how you can claim to be the ultimate arbiter of the rules in your life.
Life is like a box o’ chocolates: If you try to eat everything at once, you’ll get a tummy ache. Instead, give your life away to other people with no regard for your own wants and needs; this won’t be maladaptive at all!
This horoscope is a wildcard +4, but I played a reverse card. Please send four horoscopes to Anthony, care of Vassar College Dept. of People We’re Trying to Expel But Can’t Because of Incriminating Blackmail.