Magic Mike 3 to star Alison DiLaurentis

Despite her clear aversion to attention of any kind, Alison DiLaurentis ’23 has been identified as “a diamond in the rough” by Warner Bros. executive Cann Fuckoff, the first female head of the entertainment conglomerate. This will be DiLaurentis’ first role in anything ever—except for that one time in middle school when a theater teacher took pity and cast DiLaurentis as a dramatized version of herself in a play written by her peers.

You would think that is a joke, but it’s not. It really happened. Just like the circumstances of this fortuitous casting back in seventh grade, the now-political science major had a feeling that she was destined for something more than crying about injustice as soon as she stepped into the audition room and successfully rolled up her shirt to pitch her guns to the entire table. Everyone was so impressed by her rippling physique that even Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would have groveled at her performance in competitive ten-person Zip Zap Zop.

Before we had the opportunity to speak to the burgeoning star, she made us fill out a whenisgood and then guarantee the presence of Vogue’s lie detector guy, which is pretty respectable and reasonable of her at this point in the semester.

“I just think the world needs to understand my perspective, and the only way to do that is to see my body in all of its eternal glory,” DiLaurentis said. “That’s all I’ll say. I can’t wait for everyone to see this in theaters.”

Both the Drama Department and Vassar Burlesque declined to comment on missing the opportunity to interact with this sheer star power. One day, when DiLaurentis is elected to public office, everyone will shake their heads. Up and down. They’ll nod. “Hell yeah! She’s hot,” the crowds will say. Soon after, as Los Angeles lie detection connoisseur Oscar the Grouch theorized once she left the room, Vassar College will get to say we knew her before she was “so publicly shredded” under an entirely foolproof press release pretense.

 

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