Horoscopes: April 28

Aries

Some weeks you just check out. Some weeks you show up 15 minutes late to your independent study with a coffee in hand (not like I’m drawing from personal experience or anything). In these moments of loss and frustration, remind yourself that everyone has weeks like this. But maybe don’t get coffee next time.

 

Taurus

Find inspiration in art this week. There are so many creative people to learn from! But more importantly, their knowledge will be invaluable in the coming months. They will teach you more than you could know. Even the ones that make reproductive organs out of neon lights. Actually, especially those. 

 

Gemini

Now is the season of getting too excited about warm weather and forgetting that sometimes it sucks so, so bad. This week will be a week of remembering the terrible parts of summer: mostly sweat. Ask yourself: Is it really the warmth that you desire? Or is there a deeper, more hidden longing inside you? Let me know. 

 

Cancer

What do you want? Like, if you could have anything in the world? Okay, no, not that. Not that, either. Pick number, like, eight from your list. That should be your goal for this week: Something achievable and attainable that you definitely want but maybe not to the level that you’d sell organs for it.

 

Leo

There will be times when you will say, “I can’t do it.” But you do do it. Because you have to. Channel that energy into something interesting this week, like taking up watercolors, or vowing to avenge the destruction of the Lathrop ping-pong table. Body-slam their egos like they body-slammed our fun.

 

Virgo

I can feel a bad decision coming on. This week you will tell people, “I am entering an era.” But the thing is that you are not Charli XCX releasing a new album. You are a Vassar student debating sleeping with someone you really, really shouldn’t. Or eating ice cream when you know it’ll make you want to vom. Either is bad.

 

Libra

Curate your life as beautifully as teenagers on Spotify curate playlists called, “i was on fire for you,” or, “im a reckless driver” (all-lowercase is extremely necessary) with Pinterest-board covers. You ARE the aesthetic babe of all time. You ARE the same four Cigarettes After Sex songs in a row. Believe it. Achieve it.

 

Scorpio

Rage is SO last season. If there’s someone you want to kick in the shins, investigate more subtle ways of showing dominance. Soon, you will find that neither option brings the catharsis you long for. But maybe, with time, things will get better. If not, maybe you’ll have to settle for a strongly-worded email.

 

Sagittarius

Practice gratitude this week. When someone says, “I saw this and thought of you,” say, “Oh, my goodness, that is so kind; thank you!” And when someone says, “So, we meet again. I have been plotting for your downfall since the beginning,” say, “Oh my goodness, that is so kind; thank you!” It’s nice to be on someone’s mind.

 

Capricorn

Life is full of trials and tribulations. Did you know that the plural of “conundrum” is “conundra?” It makes sense, but only when you think about it. This is much like your feelings towards many things this week, but I can’t tell you what they are. You have to trust me. You have to. Please. Look into my eyes. 

 

Aquarius

Beware: This may be a week of cuts and scrapes. If you fall down the stairs or stub your toe, it’s probably because the stars are mad at you. They know what you did, and you probably do, too. I don’t, though. But I can remind you to make sure you have enough Neosporin on hand. You will need it for celestial moments like these. 


Pisces

Do some of your finals require memorization? If so, just do what I do: Put it off until the last minute and then sit in a public window nook and mutter feverishly to yourself like your life depends on it. Whatever you look and/or sound like, it won’t be as odd as me hunched in a corner speaking in Old Portuguese.

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