Springing into warm weather: How to sweat your way through May

It would have been a few months ago now that I saw something incredible. The clouds parted, and then there was this sort of whitish disc in the sky, kind of like the light in my pathetic little dorm room if it were ten thousand times brighter. The vision caused me to emit frantic grunting noises and scurry back to the comfort of my room, but then I had some time to reflect on just what that terrifying sight had been. In the end, I realized two things: the first was that it was the sun I saw, and the second was that perhaps the pandemic had slightly loosened my grip on reality.

But hey, this column isn’t about me and my problems! It’s about the weather! Ha haaa! I knew the sun meant that the heat was soon to come, and that I would have to pull out all my warm-weather survival tips to get through it in style. Luckily, I’m experienced in this regard: In Seattle, where I live, it got so hot last summer that the baristas simply took to placing milk outside and allowing it to steam naturally. So here are a few tips for all of you out there!

Tip one: Never, and I mean never, wear sunscreen! It just can’t be good news. Think about it: It feels gross, smells gross, tastes gross (even with hot sauce added)—how can something like that be good for you? The best alternatives would definitely be one of those “natural” brands of sunscreen that looks and smells like bird droppings or, if that’s out of your budget, mayonnaise. Be careful with your health!

Tip two: Choose your shorts carefully! Because summertime is all about body insecurity, many people choose to wear shorts during the warm months. But keeping things breathable has a serious drawback, namely: chafing! Those dummy thicc thighs of yours do not like rubbing together all day, and come evening you’ll have a sweat rash the size of a Frisbee to show for it. If you must wear short shorts, do yourself a favor and lubricate your flesh with Vicks first or, if you don’t have that, mayonnaise. Nobody wants irritated skin!

Tip three: Keep it cool! During the summer, I like to lower the shades in my room, shut the door and lie on the bed in my underpants with ice cubes covering my skin, but there are a variety of ways to keep the temperature down. Remember: your fridge is your friend! I like to stuff all of my bedding inside of it each morning so that it will be cool come nightfall, which does come with the disadvantage of all my pillowcases smelling like peanut butter and hot sauce. And, of course, cracking open a cold one is a great way to beat the heat. I’d recommend a nice Dr. Pepper or, if you don’t have that, mayonnaise. There’s nothing more refreshing than a cool beverage!

Well, the keyboard is now so covered in sweat that my fingers are slipping off of it, so I’ll have to end it here. The summertime can be challenging, but with these tips, you can avoid the worst of the hot weather and have a whale of a time in these next few months. And hey, if you end up going somewhere exciting on vacation, bring me back some mayonnaise, will you? The heat has barely started, and I’m already running low.

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