Horoscopes: May 20

Aries

Now is the season of endings and beginnings. Remember: When one door closes, another opens. Or maybe when one door closes, it’s because the Universe wants you to sit in the hallway of closed doors for a while. Or maybe it was the wind. Or maybe it was a ghost. Whatever. Believe what you have to, I guess.

 

Taurus

Big changes can be overwhelming, so when everything is telling you to be scared, turn to your comforts. What could be better than a big bowl of soup, a big hunk of bread, a long nap with a chunky blanket, the same three episodes of TV over and over… (Please, for your roommates’ sake, get a new hobby).

 

Gemini

Life just hits you sometimes. You are standing in the grass with the sun on your face and you’re like, “Huh. I guess this is the world, and I just live in it.” But don’t let the vastness of space fool you. There is much which is small: Bugs! Seeds! The amount of affordable apartments in NYC! You are one and the same.

 

Cancer

I can see the future (true) and I know that everything is gonna be just fine (true). I also know (because the stars told me) that you should avoid slimy foods this week? Think chicken pot pie, or Jell-O or anything made with okra. Maybe the texture is off-putting to the stars. Try something crunchy instead (baby carrots?).

 

Leo

Today I was like, “Why is there blood on my hand?” And then I was like, “You know what? I shouldn’t worry about that right now.” That’s what growing up is, I think. When you see something that definitely shouldn’t be happening, it’s best to not ever think about it and distract yourself endlessly and forever.

 

Virgo

Wanting to go back to the old times might sound nice on the surface, but it would probably suck in real life. Could you imagine if we all went back to the times when butter was something you had to pound and stir for hours instead of something you bought in the dairy aisle of Stop & Shop? Mostly, things only get better.

 

Libra

Summer is a time for refreshment and rejuvenation. Breathe in the hot (wet, gross) air and breathe out your problems. Also with the air you will get: pollen, various odors, possibly also car exhaust. For free! It really is a great deal when you think about it. Make sure to do this by a busy street for best results.

 

Scorpio

When things are new and scary sometimes we want to shut ourselves out from the world and hide in our hidey-hole. That sometimes works, but sometimes you should emerge from your hermit crab shell and find joy in those around you. Now is the season for brunch. Now is the season to kiss your friends on the mouth.

 

Sagittarius

I love when things are good. But sometimes, things aren’t so good. And we have to learn to take what’s not so good so that we can appreciate the things that are good all the more. This is what I told myself the other day when I got an egg and cheese at Crafted, and they forgot the egg. The only way out is through.

 

Capricorn

Being right all the time is exhausting (I would know). Maybe to take a break you should be wrong for a day, just to see how it feels. Correct people who say common facts in conversations with information that is blatantly untrue, or tell your friends fun stories that simply did not happen. It’s good to shake things up.

 

Aquarius

This summer is the season of little treats. Because you deserve it! It’s been a very hard couple of months, and you have more than earned a my-year-of-rest-and-relaxation™. Treats you should consider: Little pastries! Lemonade for breakfast! Lying in the grass! Sitting in the nearest body of water for like eight hours!

 

Pisces

Dreams can often tell you things. But they can only tell you so much. Sometimes, you wake up from a dream, and it is very confusing. Maybe it is an omen. But it could also be your brain trying new things like your mind is a sitcom on its seventh season. Who cares; bring in Bebe Neuwirth except Bebe Neuwirth is your dentist.

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