Horoscopes

Aries

New beginnings are always hard. Sometimes you just need to listen to some weird music to clean out your brain. Put on some beeps and boops by a German guy from the ’60s and feel everything leave your mind. It washes you out like an exfoliator. We are not liable for any damages caused by this.

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Taurus

Our grasp on reality can seem faint right now. Not to worry, though; some of the best times of your life are in this fun state of “Rats! I keep forgetting I’m a real person.” To ground yourself, find one thing you can see, one thing you can hear and one thing you can say to your professor about why you won’t be in class tomorrow.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Gemini

Energy runs high this week. You may feel an urge to run, jump, hide, fight. Not for any particular reason, just to get some blood flowing. Take a look at old-timey crimes to try to get some adrenaline in your blood, like swindling a farmer out of livestock or taking time out of your Friday night to attend the Devil’s Sacrament.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Cancer

Vassar professors love to talk about the importance of space and place. And they’re right—the space you’re in is very impactful to your mental health. For example, being in a room with one tiny window makes you feel like you’re in a Medieval dungeon. You can make the most of it though, I guess—start seeing visions and writing hymns. 

CANCER June 21| July 22

Leo

What’s a talent you wish you had? I sometimes wish I could play the banjo, or sculpt, or stop thinking all my friends hate me. But everyone’s different. Cultivate your wishes and you’ll never know where life will lead you. Manifesting is important, but it can only get you so far. Like, it probably couldn’t help with the sculpting.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Virgo

This whiplash weather is very tough for my already fragile state. I wish at least one thing in my life was consistent, and it doesn’t seem like that one thing is the temperature. At least it’s more exciting this way—and we can all learn something about ourselves, like just how much sweat a human can physically produce in a day. 

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Libra

Reentering an old routine can seem weird and off-putting, so maybe you should try to keep up other routines in your life. Brush your teeth at the same time each night, for example, or schedule your nightly freakout about the future for a tight, five-minute window instead of letting it overtake you at random. Hope this helps.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Scorpio

This has been the week of forgetting things. I have been losing and re-finding very important objects at an alarming rate. Perhaps this is the Universe trying to tell us that there is more to life than headphones and doctor’s appointments. For example, life also contains periods of great anxiety brought on by forgetting headphones and doctor’s appointments. 

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Sagittarius

This week, everything feels like the hardest thing ever, even if it’s a thing you’ve done before, like answering emails or waking up. Soothe yourself through this uncharacteristic stagnation with comfort—cook your favorite foods, watch your favorite shows, curl up into a ball and climb into a cave and sleep until springtime…

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Capricorn

Emotions run high, but logic runs higher. Instead of trying to pick apart your feelings or self-pathologize (classic goat behavior), consider some healthy self-reflection: Why did that make me feel that way? What can I do to feel better? Who is that? Is that the Misc Humor Editor? Why is she in my room? Etc.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Aquarius

Sometimes, we just want to have all of the things that we want and don’t want to have any of the things that we don’t want, and it sucks because we can’t get it. But this is a week of unabashed selfishness and hedonism. Give into your deepest desires at the extent of others’ well-being! Who cares? Well, okay, a lot of people do. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Pisces

It’s often not until you don’t have something that you realize how much you miss it. (It’s just like that Joni Mitchell song.) But we can’t live life paralyzed by grief and regret; we have to move forward, too. Familiarize yourself with the five stages of grief and practice them for when times get hard. Or don’t, actually; that sounds miserable. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

 

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