Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

This week, thoughts rattle around your head like they are beads and your head is a maraca. There are lots of benefits to this: Firstly, you get to make music with your thoughts. Secondly, you get to scare everyone away with how loud your thoughts are and have some time to yourself. It’s like when you see a mariachi band get on the subway: Run.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

I keep getting distracted this week. Not even by interesting things; I have a ring that I forgot I owned, and it is SO shiny. It will be my scapegoat for every missed assignment for the foreseeable future. You should find scapegoats this week, too. Maybe the Deece food made your tummy hurt, or maybe there is an evil energy by the lake. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

Been getting really into interior design lately. This is a week of misplaced energy, so rearrange your room at 2 a.m. if you want. Figure out where all the plugs are, and meticulously lay out your power strips so as to give yourself the most streamlined electricity. The space you live in is very important and is worth much more than that tapestry you keep reusing.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

If you feel both impulsive and stuck this week, welcome to the club. Play some games to get your energy out, or do some light mischief to fulfill your need to mess around. Dance in the rain if you want to get poetic and Pinterest-y about it. Or you could just decide to wake up super early  one day all for the sweet feeling of an 11 a.m. nap.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

There is an energy of trying new things about us, so experiment with fashion in the coming days. Wear monochromatic looks, or pair things you didn’t think would go together. The worst thing somebody can say to you is nothing, and the best thing somebody can say to you is “I love your pants!” as shouted from a fourth-floor Strong window.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

If you’ve been hankering to consume information recently, ride that wave! Get all of your readings done for the next two weeks if you can! Why not! Do that learning that you are allegedly here to do! Yesterday, I read about medieval clausulae. On purpose. Granted, it was to help me fall asleep, but I did still learn something.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Sometimes, silence is helpful. It is a way to say, “I am thinking about what you said,” or, “I am letting YOU think about what you said” or maybe simply, “This email is going to sit in my inbox for a month for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I don’t have the bandwidth to type out three coherent sentences right now.” Use it well.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

If you’ve forgotten to do something or you’re worried something is going to be late, just do it now. Better late than never! Cramming isn’t always the answer, but I am surprised at how often it works. Plus, professional people cram all the time. Call up any congressperson, and I’m sure they’re behind on some report somewhere. If not, don’t worry. You’re cooler than them.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Sometimes we go too hard. Sometimes we love too much, and it doesn’t work out. Like my pants, which I’ve had tailored four times, or my sneakers that I wore until they smelled so bad I was sure an animal had died in my dorm. If you love something too much for its own good, recognize it, but own it. Maybe get some baking soda for it, though. 

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

This week, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” And then, and this is crucial, DON’T ANSWER THAT. We say this to ourselves for strength and energy, not for anxiously wallowing in all the ways that a lightning bolt could strike us in the middle of a sunny day. So don’t fret. Pretend you’re as confident as a dude in a Star War.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

This could be a week to analyze big changes in your life and check if you’re headed in a good direction. Like, for example, if you are in a lot of great classes and feel fulfilled, that’s a good sign. If beasts keep spawning in your room and following you into your dreams though, that’s something you might want to get checked out. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

Homesickness can be for any home. I’m homesick for the concept of a good night’s sleep! Figure out what you long for this week, and try to recreate it. Want your mom’s cooking? Actually, you can’t have that here. A walk around your hometown? Okay, not that either. Want that feeling of childhood peace and quiet? Well, I hate to break it to you…

 

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