[CW: This article contains mentions of disordered eating.]
You are an adult. You get up at a reasonable time every morning. You do not spend the first 30 minutes of the day scrolling through social media. You did not learn about Queen Elizabeth’s death through Tumblr.
You completely forgot that today was your ex-boyfriend’s 20th birthday. You did not think about wishing him a happy birthday on WhatsApp even though you haven’t talked to him in months. The last time you talked to your ex-boyfriend was not coated in the sweet sweat of awkwardness. You have gotten over the fact that his new girlfriend has the same racial background as you. You did not compulsively listen to the entire soundtrack of the musical “13” today because he played a character in it in middle school. You are completely over your ex-boyfriend.
Your summer was amazing. You did not throw yourself into a loneliness-inducing obsession that you are still suffering the consequences of. Nobody treated you differently because of how you look. Your body did not physically change at all. You are the healthiest you have ever been.
You go through your morning routine smoothly. You do not act out Shobana’s monologue from “Manichitrathazhu” as you comb your hair. You do not pull faces at yourself in the mirror as you put sunscreen on your face. You remember to put sunscreen on your face. You have stopped wincing at the taste of your multivitamins. Your hair looks good today. When you put it up, you won’t take down the hairstyle at lunchtime because you decided that it actually looks like trash. You will wear an outfit that’s both comfortable and looks good on you because you know that you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other. You are confident enough in yourself and your personality to know that external things, like what you wear, don’t say that much about who you are. Despite this, you are unbothered by the fact that your collared shirt makes you look less like a cool girl from the ‘70s and more like an impoverished Victorian schoolboy.
You remember people’s faces and names. When you make small talk, it’s perfectly normal, even award-winning. You don’t secretly think that small talk is stupid and that you’d rather talk about anything other than the fact that’s it’s hot or that it’s cold or that it’s raining. You resist the urge to talk about all the TLC that you’ve been listening to recently. When you walk to class while listening to TLC, you do not mouth Chilli’s verses behind your mask.
You have stopped thinking about how other people perceive you. You are so constantly aware of the generous amounts of love that you receive from your friends and family that your mental health does not hinge on the tone of voice of a stranger who holds open a door for you. You have stopped beating yourself up over the people you’ve hurt in the past. You are focusing on appreciating and being present for the people you have in your life right now. Like Chilli from TLC.
You take care of your body. You don’t eat too quickly, but you don’t eat too slowly either. You finish eating the whole bowl of cereal this time. You are not going to go through a program that teaches you how to eat again because you are not a little baby taking her first steps into the world. You are turning 19 in a month. This is something that you are okay with.
You don’t use Misc articles to cope with the tidal pool that is your life right now. You will tell all of this to your therapist.