Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Names make things harder to lose and easier to remember. Naming electronics and things dear to you might be nice, but those are rookie moves. This week, name everything, even name all of your emails. It will make you like them more if it’s just Franklin telling you that you have a paper due this week instead of Moodle.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Sometimes a cold gust of air will blow and I will think, “It’s finally fall.” And then it will be 80 degrees and I will think, “Never mind.” Relish in the uncertainty this week. Maybe you can extrapolate it to other things. It’s okay if you don’t know what other things—we are talking about uncertainty, after all. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

The WiFi has been a little silly this week! Maybe it’s the Universe trying to tell us something, like to adjust our routers. WiFi is energy, and if the energy is beaming in a way that can’t reach us, we should do something about it. Maybe plug a battery into a lemon and see if that does anything. It can’t hurt.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

Nothing like a humid day to remind us that we so truly have joints and they so truly are hurting. I am not a grandmother, and yet I snap and crackle and pop at a rate so unlike what should be happening to my spry, 21-year-old body. If you feel weak in the coming days, remember to be strong in your heart. And to drink some milk maybe.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

It would be nice to escape for a bit. Take a long nap, or swim in the sea like a mermaid. But escaping is not all it’s chalked up to be. For one, there are sharks in the ocean, and they might want to eat you, especially if your hair is shiny or if you have metal crowns. And for two, electronics don’t work in water. No cat videos down there.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

It can be tempting to wonder how other people feel, or how other people got where they did. But comparison really won’t get you anywhere. We are all different and that’s what makes us great! I have gifts that you don’t have, and you have gifts that I don’t have. Unless we are actually the same person. Did I make you up?

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Everyone had a childhood phase that they never really grew out of. For me it was Ancient Greece, obviously, but it was also reptiles. I wish I’d learned more about them. Revisit your childhood wonder this week, for better or for worse. Reminisce over the time you felt free to learn without shame. Save the healing for next week.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

There’s always just a few too many things to do. How can we cope? How can we carve out more hours in a day? There’s a couple options: 1) Don’t do things (BAD IDEA). 2) Learn to time travel (impossible). 3) Become more efficient at tasks (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!). 4) Maybe just choose one thing to not do?

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Not everything is a winner. Not every joke you tell lands; not every paper gets a great grade; not every dorm room is free of cockroaches. We live and we learn, and we strive to do better next time. Learning about yourself is the best part of life! That and buying roach traps that kill all of the cockroaches and their little eggs, too.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

You can’t, and won’t, be everything for everyone, and that’s okay! Different people will need you at different times, and some of those times your bandwidth will be out. Be as much as you can, but don’t stretch yourself too thin. Sometimes all someone needs is a hug, or a drawing of a small animal. Keep those on hand. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

What do other people think of you? Hint: It doesn’t matter. Well, that’s a lie; it matters a little. If everyone thinks you’re really mean, that’s probably not a good sign. But picking apart people’s every statement to you is not helpful or productive! So what they said “This is very, very late”? That doesn’t mean a thing!

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

I am very scared a lot of the time, and I know that a lot of other people also are, as well. But being scared is so much worse than just doing the thing! Because once you do it, you don’t have to be scared of it anymore because it already happened. This does not apply to real scary things, of course, like skydiving or crying in office hours.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *