Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Watching bad movies cleanses the soul and is a perfect way to procrastinate. Especially now that the most annoying people around you think it’s somehow Christmastime, some less-than-professional holiday films might be a good place to start. Remember that the true meaning of Christmas is always, somehow, American propaganda.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

It’s cold, which means it’s cozy time!!! Blanket capes are IN, not wearing bulky socks is OUT. We need so badly to enter into our coziness era. A little hibernaysh never hurt anyone. Only thing is that lying in your bed begets more lying in your bed, so don’t forget to not lie in your bed sometimes. I know it’s evil, but it must be done. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

Have you thought about getting into a fight recently? Don’t, obviously. That’s a bad idea. But maybe you have some energy that you need to let out. Remember that there are more productive ways to do this. Recently, I took up felting. It is by far my favorite fiber art because it allows me to stab things with impunity. Watch that needle, though.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

Pursuing your passions is hard, even when it’s all you want to do, so anytime you have the energy for it you should be really grateful. Sometimes, there’s only one thing I want to do, but the only thing my brain will let me do is nothing. Save up your energy in a jar to use later. Also your leftover scallion bulbs. Water both well. 

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

This is a week of meeting new people! Maybe you’re someone that people just come up to and tell things, and maybe that’s cool of them. Or maybe you can just go up to people and tell them things. Look up fun facts to get you started. Recently, I’ve been on LegoTok. Make friends by telling people about rare Lego brick colors! This definitely works.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

Your realism-that’s-actually-just-pessimism is extra strong this week. Instead of telling people how they can be better, let them tell you! Open your heart and mind and ears, and allow yourself to be a shoulder to cry on, if you can handle that type of thing right now. People love your advice… when they ask for it.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

While it is tempting this week to plan the wedding between you and whoever most recently gave you a gift, remember that there are more important things than material possessions. Have you been mesmerized by the beauty of the world recently? Ideas: walks, yodeling, lying face-down on the grass and breathing in that cool grass scent. Mesmerizing. 

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

My favorite thing about Scorpios is how you will kinda drop stuff on me randomly. Facts about yourselves, sure, but also objects. My Scorpio friends are much like cats in that they will not stop knocking things onto my head. Please, guys, it’s enough already. I’m worried about getting a concussion. This week, stop doing that.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius 

Your deadpan wit can sometimes come across as genuine frustration, but remember that communication is always key! Tell your friends how you feel about them through their love language. If they want acts of service or quality time, listen to them vent! If they want gifts, remind them coldly that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism!

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn 

Overwhelmed? Overworked? So, so sleepy? TOO BAD! Meanwhile, the world goes on. You are Sisyphus, and Moodle posts are your big rock: You think you’re done with them and then BAM! The next day there’s four more. And don’t even get me started on the emails. But you, like Sisyphus, will figure it out. And then do it all again tomorrow.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

Technology is evil, obviously, but sometimes it can be useful. Like to update your calendar, for example, or to Google the etymology of words to kill time. Algorithms may be the work of the devil, but isn’t it nice when TikTok knows exactly what you want to see? In this world, we win and we lose, and we might as well be entertained while we lose.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces 

Feeling weepy this week? Know at least that you’re not alone. Crying is really good for you, in moderation. Maybe not when it’s every day, but then at least you know that something is wrong and you are going to work to fix it. If not, you resign yourself to weepiness for the next few days. Which, I don’t know, maybe that’s just who you are.

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