Horrrorscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

What scares you the most? Is it the inevitable passage of time? Having to honor plans that you made when you were feeling more sociable? The idea of not getting a second (third, fourth) tattoo? Do the scary thing. As long as it’s safe. Don’t break the law or consume anything not meant for consumption, please. I cannot be liable. 

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Do you hear that noise? Listen, closer. I think it’s right behind you. What could it possibly be? Quick, quiet your breathing—we can’t let it hear you. Back away slowly, so slowly. Then, when you think you’re safe, run. Aren’t you glad we practiced this? Now, when you see a deadline approach in the night, you’ll know what to do.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

There’s a rattling outside your window, the tapping of branches on glass. Or maybe it’s the old bones of the dorms settling into the cool earth. Maybe it’s a bug scuttling across the peeled paint from when the person who lived in your room before you stupidly used duct tape on the walls. Be vigilant. And use painter’s tape. Be smart about your security deposit.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

If you get a telephone call from an unknown number this spooky season, DON’T ANSWER IT. You do not wanna be Drew Barrymore-d (spoiler alert for a movie that came out before you were born probably). It might be someone who wants your blood—literally. New York Blood Center will not stop calling me. Someone make it stop. 

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

It’s pretty sick to be celebrating Halloween so close to horror movie staple Sleepy Hollow, NY. Perhaps the beautiful fall leaves can remind you of a certain horseman who has been unfortunately bereft of an important body part. Quick question: Who decided his head was a pumpkin? Was that in the original? This Halloween, go to the source.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

Children can be terrifying creatures because they can sometimes be psychic or see things we can’t. Sometimes I forget how to interact with children because I see so few of them in my day-to-day life. If you see a child this week, ask them if they’ve seen any ghosts lately or communicated with the dead. This will go well. 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Are you scared of things you shouldn’t be? Irrational fears are your brain’s way of remembering what was scary in caveman times—like the dark, or small spaces, or teeth (not sure about that one actually to be honest). Next time you catch yourself feeling an irrational fear, remember that you are not a caveman. Unless you are. That would be spooky, actually.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

There’s something on your mind. Something you can’t get off of it. Something that might eat you up if you don’t control it. It’ll kill you and then lick your face with its rough tongue. Like a cat. Until the skin of your face is gone and you’re just bones. And then when they find you, no one can identify you because you have a licked-off face. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Yearning for adventure? Maybe a walk in the woods is in your future. Be careful, though; you never know what, or who, will be lurking around the next corner. A creature, a monster… or maybe, just another person. Just like you and me. Except for in a few key ways (hooks for hands, for example, and wants to murder).

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

Being an earth sign is all about being the final girl in your own life. When stuff (emotions, knives, etc.) comes at you quick, channel Shelley Duvall or Neve Campbell or Jamie Lee Fucking Curtis and slice and dice with abandon!! You are the queen of the horror movie that is your life! You WILL be in the sequel!

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

Being possessed would suck, but it would be fun to show off your new talents (floating, contortion…). But you don’t need another demonic entity to unlock your true potential! All of your gifts are already inside you! Why not learn Latin all by yourself, and speak in tongues and freak out your family on YOUR terms?

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

Sometimes society is the scariest thing of all. What’s inside you that you can’t get out? Is it the fear of Hell? The belief that you have to grow up to be someone who will never upset your parents? Your own local government? (From the bottom of my heart, fuck you Glenn Youngkin.) Dismantle that this Halloween. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *