What not to be for Halloween (even though I know you’re thinking about it!)

This Halloween could prove to be the greatest Halloween of all time, but it’s gonna require some collective action from all of us for that to really happen. Here are some of the top costumes I (and everybody else) am saying you definitely shouldn’t wear. 


1. Abraham Lincoln

This one’s kind of obvious. EVERYBODY was Abraham Lincoln for Halloween last year. If you think about it, anybody who wasn’t Abraham Lincoln last year will certainly be dressed up as Mr. “I’m On the Penny” this year. Besides, you don’t want to get in that awkward situation at a party where you run into another Big Abe—but if you do, here’s a useful quip to pull out: “Well, I guess one of us has to change into an Andrew Johnson costume!” Laughter will ensue. If you do end up dressing up as Abraham Lincoln, having an Andrew Johnson costume underneath your Abe Lincoln costume is essential. There’s nothing wrong with a quick costume change! Another problem you could run into is that another President Sweet Sixteen at the party could have a far better Lincoln costume than you. In that case, pull out this zinger: “Looks like someone’s directly responsible for the progressive nature of income tax in the U.S.!” Laughter will ensue.

2. Tennis Ball Man 

I know that this is the big “do it yourself” costume this year but please, save yourself some time and pick something else. Gluing 89 tennis balls to your body sounds like a fun idea at first, but after ball 72 you’ll be wishing “Tennis Ball Man: Retribution” weren’t such a box office success. That brings me to another point: we all saw Tennis Ball Man in theaters—we don’t need to see him again at the Deece!

3. The cat from “The Simpsons”

This seems like a funny idea at first, and it kinda is, but there can be a real sour side to this costume. Having people think you’re the cat from “The Simpsons” is a real hoot, but be prepared to have to answer a lot of questions from grouchy Halloweenies, like this one I overheard last year: “Oh, so you’re the cat from ‘The Simpsons’. Why aren’t you the dog from ‘Family Guy’? I like him. This, on the other hand, sucks.” I would be heartbroken if someone told me that. 

4. Hammer Man

This one’s pretty obvious. Dressing up as Tennis Ball Man’s biggest foe is surely a mistake. Be prepared to get tennis balls hurled at you from short and long distances. It’s quite humorous at first, but after a while it just hurts. Additionally, having to forge Hammer Man’s Depression Hammer is a taxing endeavor to say the least.

5. The Indy 500

We’ve all seen that viral video online: dude dresses up as the Indianapolis 500 and everybody freaks out. You might think that you want to be the Indianapolis 500 as well, but the best advice I can give you this Halloween is to not be a copycat. There are so many other major race car events that you could be this Halloween—the Daytona 500 and the Monaco Grand Prix, to name two. That dude’s claimed the Indy 500, and you just gotta accept that.


 I hope this will help you make Halloween a critically acclaimed holiday this year!

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