Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Sad, slow, sluggish… I’m running out of alliterations, but you get it. Work on upping your energy this week with a nice, cool Celsius beverage. I’ve never had one, but everyone on TikTok is raving about how cool they are. Or maybe try Panera’s dangerously-caffeinated lemonade. Don’t sue me if you start uncontrollably shaking, though.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Daylight Savings is a cruel, cruel beast that wants your blood. It literally happens to us every year, yet still we are perplexed. We cry, we plead, we cherish our extra hour until it’s pitch-black by 4:30 p.m. We all know we’re not getting a White Christmas, we’re getting a pitch black one. Because it will be dark. By like noon. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

Today sure has been a week of ~things~, hasn’t it? Like, the things that don’t stop even when you’re done with them. That’s all fun and cool. How can we remedy this? You can say “yes” to fewer things, maybe, but that’s no fun. What about learning how to stop time so you can do more stuff? That seems more realistic.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

The semester is going by way too fast, but never fear! Soon it will be Thanksgiving, and then it will be finals! Okay, actually that is much scarier than I meant for it to be. Practice meditation and then maybe you’ll feel better. I like sitting alone on my bed doom-scrolling until I cry. It’s not traditional mindfulness, but I like to be a trailblazer.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

Silliness is in the air this week. Perhaps even whimsy. Ask your friends weird questions (but not the kind that make them uncomfortable). Make them choose between silly options, like turning into a zebra or (insert another option; I just got my COVID booster so my brain feels like Jell-O. I believe in your abilities). 

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

The people I know who are super into one topic or are writing a thesis they’re super dedicated to are so cool but they also scare me so much. I’ve gone down my fair share of rabbit holes, but none of them have lasted that long. Currently I’m investigating historical fashion, but yesterday I was looking at country music. Whatever. Do what you like.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

I wish I had more time to do fun things, like travel or go on long walks and watch birds. But I have so much damn HOMEWORK! I think there should be an age where it’s illegal to assign homework, and that age should have passed us by. Not saying you should not do your stuff, but I am saying you need to take time for yourself. So.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

What does it all MEAN? Life is so confusing sometimes. I literally don’t get it. One day everything’s great and the next you have to wake up early because you told someone you’d meet them at a godawful hour. It’s not FAIR! But we soldier on. Admire a bug today, and notice the beauty even in its inherent ugliness. It’s a metaphor, I guess.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

With all these holidays coming up, it can be tempting to covet material goods. Which is nice and all, but some things are better, like experiences! This holiday season (including your birthday), try and find people you want to do cool things with, like going hiking or lying down on the ground and sobbing. 

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

Investigation is one of my favorite parts of life! Isn’t learning so much fun? For real though, learn something new this week. I’ve been really into crosswords, but only the Monday ones because the rest make me feel dumb. Also Zebra logic puzzles. Those make me feel dumb too, though, actually. Make your own choices.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

Spirituality can be bunk, but it can also be SO FUN. The stars tell me that you’re feeling chatty this week. I know that because of my powers. Not really, though. Maybe you’re not being chatty at all. Maybe I’M being the chatty one. What then? Did the stars lie to me? Trick question! They never lie. Or do they always lie?

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

Giving into temptation is a dangerous game, but it can be nice to toe the line. Ever wanted to hit something but couldn’t let yourself? Punch a pillow instead! Wanted to scream? Scream into a pillow! Wow, I never realized how useful pillows could be. Thank your pillow this week. She is every woman. It’s all in her.

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