An ode to the benefits of having long, luscious locks

Nina Ajemian/The Miscellany News.

As the Ivy League Whorehouse, Vassar College is an institution at the intersection of utmost intellectual pursuit and absolute tomfoolery. The same could be said of haircuts. In light of the growing trend toward pixie cuts, head shaving and other completely legitimate choices with regard to follicular bodily autonomy, I wanted to pen an essay addressing the dearth of appreciation for long hair at Vassar. Specifically, as well, I hope to detail why I am, in fact, the most powerfully sexy person here.

Firstly, long hair like my own provides cover from the small-campus phenomenon of running into one’s enemies. As for my second point, I’d like to raise that, instead of exposing one’s skin to the cancerous potential of sun damage, hair cover is a great alternative. Third, leg-shaving is so fucking annoying; why would anyone feel obligated to do that when you could just, you know, not, and accomplish warding off farm-walk ticks at the same time?

And finally, in light of our institution’s reputation, I wanted to point out that something as inscrutable as an unexpected and unseemly mark on a neck can retreat even further into the invisibility of the College Center desk of our hearts if one simply covers it up by pulling long, luxurious locks in front of one’s shoulders. Of course, my hair is kind of everywhere, so I don’t even need to move it, which means there is absolutely no risk of making out with me at all.


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