Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Being good at things is SUCH a rush. It’s really nice to hear that you are slaying. But what happens when you don’t slay? Not that you should prepare yourself for failure, but just remember that around the corner from every slay could be a flop. It’s a scary world out there. Be vigilant.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Sometimes, our minds go to dark places. Not, like, super dark, but dark enough that it’s weird. When you catch your brain being mean to you, as it so often does, pretend that it’s a child named Jeremy who pretends to know how to ride a skateboard and wears silly shirts with puns on them. It won’t help, but it will be funny.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

I’ve been having some shoe trouble recently, and maybe you can relate. Maybe it’s just that my boots are not, in fact, made for walking because they are made of cheap plastic, and I bought them on Amazon. When things fall apart around or beneath you, remember that there is always another solution. Like getting better shoes.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

I have been biblically tired this week. Jesus has nothing on my 15-hour work weeks and the fact that this morning I dropped seven eggs on my kitchen floor. If you, too, feel biblically tired, try doing things all the cool kids did 2,000 years ago, like riding donkeys or burning offerings or doing carpentry or getting leprosy.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

Sometimes I forget that I am the only person who lives in my brain, and then I say something and make the people around me a little wary. That’s okay though, because being playfully frightening is a good way to get people to remember you. You can always be more playful about it, though. Try fun outfits.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

What are you reliant on this week? I am hesitant to call coffee a drug, even though it is, because of how dependent I am on it and how that dependence makes me feel. Maybe you’re dependent on other things, though, like external validation or a little sweet treat (both extremely valid). Just knowing what you need can sometimes be enough.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Revisiting 2010s classics has been a great hobby of mine recently. Remember “Glee”? I am very glad that “Glee” didn’t get to me until I was an adult with a mostly-formed frontal lobe, but I’m also upset that it got to me at all, because “Glee” is objectively a terrible show, and now it has its claws in me. Revisit classics this week, but do so carefully.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

What’s been on your mind recently? What’s been super annoying for you that you can’t stop thinking about? Try journaling this week, to get those emotions out. Write to your journal like it’s someone you can’t wait to tell the hot goss. Maybe you will find a kinship, or fall in love. You could write a movie about it.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Sometimes, we (humans, students, barely-not-teenagers-anymore) can be embarrassing. Sometimes, we keep checking our phone even though we KNOW they haven’t texted us back. Sometimes, we put the book we need to read on our nightstand every night and then literally never read it. By we I mean you and you only, of course.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

Capricorns have a never-ending diligence. While you were applying for internships or simply getting through the day, I was writhing around on the floor because I didn’t want to do a single writing assignment. But you’re allowed to shirk your assignments, too. Even if it makes you feel sad. Try writhing.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

Sometimes just hanging out with pals is the easiest way to boost your mood. You should throw a party with all your friends this week, and introduce all your friends who don’t know each other to each other so they can all bond over how much they like you, and you can feel good about yourself. An easy road to positive thinking.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

Sickness is OUT! Getting really sad for no reason is IN! It’s really fun and cool to be in touch with your emotions, at least until your brain starts telling you things that only your most trusted therapist should have license to pull on you. It’s tough, but you can always just cry until your stomach hurts. Thank me later.


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