ARIES March 21 | April 19


Sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart. There’s drama all around, whether we are involved or not. In these times, it can be nice to find the humor in all the stress. Next time you think you (or those close to you) may lose it, provide a trusty joke. This will create a sense of calm and maybe also get people mad at you. Oops.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20


Are you comparing yourself to others a lot recently? Don’t do that! I mean, obviously. But sometimes we can’t help it. If you find yourself screaming and wailing because you’re creating a false competition inside of your brain, remember that the world isn’t ending, and you aren’t a terrible person. It’s just December.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20


Are you feeling particularly volatile recently? Do you hate the idea of having to sit still and think about anything like, I don’t know, your finals coming up? Keeping yourself busy is nice but can only help you for so long. Don’t turn to new, drastic measures to run from your feelings. The tried and true ways work perfectly fine, after all.

CANCER June 21| July 22


Starting can be the hardest part. (Assignments, workouts, getting out of bed…) But don’t worry: Once you’ve started, you’ve started! Of course, you have to start first. If you struggle with getting out of bed, chuck your phone across the room in the morning. Do not sue me for monetary damages to your technology, though.

LEO July 23 | August 22


Now is the time to unabashedly argue (sorry, debate) with your friends about pointless nonsense. Interrogate what words mean only to use their own definitions against them. That’s what college is about. If you suck at arguing, this will just make you better. And you won’t lose friends, maybe. Probably. No, yeah, for sure.

August 23 | September 22


Spotify Wrapped is out! I like looking at mine, because there are always various periods where I listen to one song on repeat for months on end. That’s how J.S. Bach ended up on my top artists sandwiched between Maisie Peters and MUNA. Before you judge, listen to the first movement of the Fifth Brandenburg Concerto. He put drugs in there.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22


It’s nice to feel like everyone loves you. It’s also nice to feel like everyone wants to hang out with you right now. It’s less nice knowing that you and everyone else are busier than God and thus cannot hang out. Try to do some fun friend studying, or wake up early to get breakfast with people. Or just abandon your finals.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21


When faced with much work, our tendency can be to avoid everyone and be alone. But that’s not helpful! We need human contact to live. You should have a party once finals are over. Possible themes: Dip (everyone brings their favorite dip). Actually, I think that’s the only theme you need. Dip party or no party.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21


Impulses run high this week. That’s not necessarily a bad thing—we all have moments where all we want to do is chill and get trashed. But consider giving in to your impulses in more creative ways. If you want adrenaline, start telling lies instead of doing drugs. How long can you last before they find out? I’m on the edge of my seat.

December 22 | January 19


Are you struggling to articulate your emotions? When you get upset or stressed, is your first instinct to shut down rather than explain yourself to others? Well, no more! This week, if you’re feeling upset, make it everyone’s problem. Scream, wail, thrash, explode. Don’t let anyone stop you. It’s your right.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18


Exhausted? Burnt out, even? Too bad! It’s just like Katy Perry said: Just because it’s over doesn’t mean it’s really over. She meant that about a relationship, but I mean it about papers and things. You do all this work for a final, but then guess what? Boom. Another one. It’s a scary world out there. Be safe. Get some Vitamin C.

PISCES February 19 | March 20


Discomfort may run high this week. The cold has been making me achy and itchy, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. If you go for a walk, your problems probably won’t go away, but at least you will have gone for a walk. And maybe you can listen to that one song you’re obsessed with and not think about how you want to claw your dry arms off.


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