Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Examine colors this week. Sometimes, you think things are normal, but they aren’t, and you can tell by their color, like poison dart frogs. It’s a great evolutionary privilege we have. If you and a dog had a color-identification contest, you’d definitely win. Think about that when you have a bad day.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Stepping out of your comfort zone is key. It’s nice to look at things or have experiences that make you nervously laugh and say, “Haha! What the fuck!” But in a good way. It can be really fun to tell your friend where you are and realize you’ve typed a string of words you’ve never typed before. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

Growing up is all about learning how to prioritize. We thought our parents were so organized but that’s only because they knew really well what to get done and what to ignore until it hit them in the face or went away or got solved on its own. Sometimes that’s how we go through life, and that’s okay. Forget about your problems responsibly.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

Life is hard, but that’s what makes it fun. This week, lean into what makes you healthily uncomfortable, like being honest about conflict, and psychoanalyze yourself into oblivion, because it really all comes back to the home. But at the end of it all, maybe you’ll feel accomplished. Or maybe not. 

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

Sometimes I feel that my only social skill is sharing worrying fun facts. I’m like if Hank Green knew weird amounts about the law and art history. This week, freak your friends out with interesting morsels of information. You’d be surprised how quickly a conversation can turn into a debate over swimming pool ethics.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

A new semester means new classes. Even if your classes are great, they may get stale after a bit. Try to find the joy even in the boring parts, because nothing reminds you of your own mortality like getting a headache from staring at your computer trying to comprehend a reading that was allegedly written in English, but you aren’t so sure.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

After a break, it can be hard to get back into a routine, especially if your sleep schedule has become what is scientifically known as “wack.” If you need to quickly push your night-night time back an hour or four, remember the classic sleep tips: count sheep, take melatonin, crack open some Hegel…

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

I talk about whimsy a lot, but what better time to inject some unpredictability into your life than at the start of a new year? I’ve been thinking about boats recently. I think we as humans are intrinsically not meant to be in a floating vessel in deep water, which makes boats all the more intriguing to me. Try it out. Not with me, though. I’m scared. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Now is the time to GET SHIT DONE! If you’re feeling an uncharacteristic burst of energy, use it to get ahead on your classes! Or instead of doing that, you could spend the time writing 5,000 words of a medieval murder mystery or binging a podcast way too fast. Not like any of that is from personal experience, or anything. 

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

Fear is SO 2022. It’s time to plow forward without a care in the world! Who cares about being anxious? Who cares what other people will say? 2023 is the year of the YOU! Take up a hobby you were terrified of before, like skateboarding or going outside in a shirt which kind of sort of shows your body. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

This semester is the ripe old age of four business days young, and already my attention span is the size of a raisin. If you, too, struggle with needing eight podcasts and 12 YouTube videos playing to even begin to get work done, might I recommend: hanging out with real people. In real life. I know I sound crazy, but you’d be surprised.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

Stating your needs is so scaryyyy OMG it’s so haaaaard what if I dieeeeee. So, you won’t, is the thing. You will be so boringly fine. And the great thing is that once you do it the first time it will get so much easier to do in the future. Whatever it is you want, you won’t get it unless you ask for it. Except for emails. Those you’ll get regardless.

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