Take your semester by storm… or by lawsuit!

Well, winter break is over, and it’s time to get back to class. Whether you celebrated the holidays at home with family, at Vassar with friends or on retreat at the Sri Ganja Center for Transcendental Substance Consumption in Northern California, now you’re back in Poughkeepsie and ready to study up. Can’t you just feel your eager young mind ready to absorb all kinds of inspiring new things just like a dry, crusty sponge in the sink of the Davi basement kitchen? I know I can.

The transition back to school, though, isn’t always the easiest. This is especially true for me; I’m still getting used to America after three months in Japan, where I did not once see a person’s bare cheeks at the bus stop. Still, however great or small the contrast between your winter break and Vassar classes, you’ll need to adjust quickly and get back into the swing of things. Your GPA might very well depend on it—and you can tell how important a good GPA is to Vassar students just by observing a TH kegger on a Thursday night!

So how can you best adjust back to Vassar life? Read on in amazement as I, the greatest of the Misc’s advice columnists, outline a time-tested, battle-hardened strategy for getting back into your rhythm. Hitting the ground running might SEEM difficult, but it’s actually easier than losing your New Yorker tote bag in the College Center! Prepare to take this semester by storm…

 

With my first Hot Tip: Meet with all your professors! This may sound like boring, trite advice that you could find in any first-day-of-college guide article, but most of those other fools don’t have the full story. The truth is, not only should you meet with your professors, but you should also make constant reference to the fact that you have a lawyer in these meetings. I wholeheartedly do not recommend necessarily threatening to sue them, but make it very clear that if your grade is anything less than an A, they may be getting a letter in the mail. It’s easy to work this into a casual conversation at a meeting: “I’m definitely excited to take this class,” you might say. “And my lawyer is eager to hear all about it!” It’s best to start things off on the right foot, after all.

My second Hot Tip: Find a new squad to roll with! Let’s be honest; those losers you call “friends” aren’t getting you anywhere other than the county jail on DUI charges. You need to find some cooler homies to roll with, and fast. For a good place to start, I’d try your dorm bathroom. Simply hang out near the entryway in a long, dark coat, and when people come in, sneak up behind them and surprise them with a suave, “Heyyyyyy.” It’s a sure way to leave an impression!

My third Hot Tip: Seek out stress! Stress is a sign of growth, as we all know, which is why you should cultivate as much of it as you possibly can. Maybe your professors have been suitably intimidated by your veiled and, once again, not overt threat to sue them, but don’t let that stop you. Even if they grade your assignments more leniently, make sure you don’t work on anything until the day it’s due; the closer, the better! Also, make sure you never do anything enjoyable or fulfilling other than work. Hobbies are silly wastes of time! Never decompress; I find that I reach optimal productivity when my spine is wound up tighter than a Slinky.

 

With these sizzling tips in mind, you cannot possibly fail to succeed at everything you attempt to do this semester. If you ever do fall short, I offer a personal guarantee that I will help you, no matter the day or the hour. Simply come to my dorm, located in the quaint little two-story house directly between the Chapel and the Bridge, and toss a pebble at the window to wake me up! I’m at your service 24/7—and what more can you ask for in an advice columnist?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *