ARIES March 21 | April 19


Examine your vices and guilty pleasures this week. Are the things you like guilty pleasures because they are traditionally liked by teenage girls, or are they actually worth a healthy amount of guilt? I’ve been getting really into TikTok sadgirl music lately, which I think toes that line quite well. Something to think about.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20


The Food Truck has poutine! The one famous thing to come out of Montréal besides Celine Dion, and it’s pretty good (thanks, Eric Feeney!). Reimagine your international food consumption this week. Take a world tour with flavors. Spend exorbitant amounts of money on takeout. You deserve it, or whatever.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20


Obtaining things will not make you happy in the long run, but sometimes you can’t escape the sweet rush of a little gift from yourself to yourself. We as a society deny ourselves of little treats so often. It’s really sad. Do I think the solution to that problem lies in the Etsy.com instead of the reevaluation of consumerism? No comment.

CANCER June 21| July 22


Connect with your basic human instincts this week. Sometimes all we need is to put our feet in water or dirt or dried beans (before you say anything, have you tried putting your feet in dried beans? No? Okay, so let me be the authority on this). Natasha Bedingfield was right when she said, “Feel the rain on your skin.”

LEO July 23 | August 22


Your friends all love you, which is totally warranted, but this week you should focus on loving yourself, too! Take care of all your needs, even the ones you hate, like cleaning your room or calling the kind man who employs you and telling him you can no longer work for him on ideological grounds. That one’s just me? Okay.

August 23 | September 22


Helping others is very kind, and being someone people can turn to makes you a big hit at parties. One thing to watch out for, though, is whether you’re actually helping or just asking if people need something because you think they’re doing it wrong. Leave the innocents at the Deece berry trough alone, you guys.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22


Being with people is awesome, but make sure to cultivate alone time. Not in the way where you isolate yourself as some sort of sadistic art installation, but more in the way where you feel okay with your thoughts and not like they’re gonna eat through your brain like maggots. If anything, your thoughts are adult flies.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21


Horoscopes are out this 2023; instead of your horoscope, this week you should contemplate other words with the word “scope” in them, like “colonoscopy,” “telescope,” “rotoscope,” “episcopal” or the scops owl, which is very cute. All of these “scope” words will allow you to see in ways that “horoscope” simply can’t.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21


Sometimes school gets the better of us, and our bedtimes become precariously later and later without our consent. This week, reclaim your precious shut-eye by standing up for yourself! Say, “No, Brain, I will not go to bed at 1 a.m. and then wake up at 10 a.m. and feel bad about myself!” No idea if it works, but you might as well try.

December 22 | January 19


To some, you may be overlooked, but to me you are perfect. Your symbol is a goat with a fish tail, like a mergoat. Who could overlook the beautiful mergoat? You have horns and scales! Who else can say that? The stegosaurus, maybe, but they are extinct and you are not. Capricorns will live forever.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18


Life is great even when grandeur isn’t involved. You don’t need to charm everybody or save all the pink dolphins to be a person worth existing; you are worth existing just because you exist. That said, though, if you want to save all the pink dolphins, no one’s gonna stop you. They could use some help.

PISCES February 19 | March 20


There’s a fine line between a deep, interpersonal connection and latching onto somebody because their past parallels yours. We all have similar wants and needs and lacks and obsessions, but sometimes someone who is just like you will do more harm than good. This is about the question of whether you’d fuck a clone of yourself.


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