(W)Hor(e)oscopes

(Check your Sun and Venus signs, if you’re into that sorta thing)

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Luck in love will soon come your way! Your intensity drives away those who can’t hack it, but who cares about those losers, anyway? Your capacity to aggressively care about others is unmatched, and that’s what matters. Shower your loved ones in compliments and confetti this week, because you and they deserve it.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Stubborn Taureans love the simple life, and I can’t say I blame you. All you want is to know that someone will be there for you always! And always answer your calls. And to literally always be around when you want to cuddle, even if it’s 4 a.m. Which, like, whatever. I hope that happens for you. That would be awesome.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

The Gemini stereotype of being flighty and hard to please doesn’t make sense to me. What you need is someone who works your mind! To find your next great love, leave scavenger hunt clues around campus with a fishy-looking QR code attached. Only those willing to maybe give their phone a virus will be worthy.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

Dude, it’s gonna be okay. Your deep connection with your inner world and emotions is too much for the more repressed folks. Putting your energy into people who don’t care about you sucks for everyone! This Valentine’s Day, focus on who is actually worth your time, like your family or those orgs you keep flaking on.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

You love big, and you love loud. But do you love in a way that takes into account what others want? Maybe you like big gestures, but what about them? Maybe your love language is gifts, but what if theirs is quality time? You get my point. Be proactive! Anticipate their needs this holiday, even if those needs are decades ahead.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

Loving comes logically to you, and your ability to state your needs and love unabashedly is something others should aspire to. Love does not have to be just for people! This week, make a list of everything you love as a reminder that this world is kind and good. I’ll get you started: trees, assignment extensions, Retreat lemonade…

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Being showered in affection sounds like your kinda holiday! In a month where everything is pink and gorgeous, surround yourself with things that make you happy, and let them spur you towards positivity and happiness, even if you happen to be single this year. Why not buy a little heart-shaped cake for yourself? You deserve it.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

Scorpios are stereotyped as dark and mysterious, and maybe to an inexperienced astrologer that means you keep your love close to your chest. But the thing about water signs is that when they love someone, it’s gonna be everyone’s problem. Relish in your ability to make others care this week! It’s a superpower few have.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Your love of adventure follows you wherever you go, so plan some great journeys this week! Go on a hike in the freezing cold, or to the movie theater if you, like me, have not gone since 2020, and the last movie you saw was “Cats.” Tragic, I know. There’s always [checks notes] some Marvel movie, I’m sure.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn 

You are the fanciest of all signs. Your love is regal and stately, like the Tony Awards or other events where you wear fur and maybe Patti Lupone is there. This week, remind yourself what you’re grateful for when life gets tough. You don’t want to forget that we live in a world in which Patti Lupone has an internet presence.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

You really are the luckiest sign, because your season perfectly coincides with the time of year where everything is the best color and shape in the world. Sure, I’m biased as a pink-heart-lover, but who could say no to those festive symbols of the season? Show your love this year through good, old-fashioned, chalky, gross candy hearts. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

Soulmates are cool and all, but why not build a great love? If love is a house, kindness and communication are Legos. And just like Legos, kindness and communication come in many different colors and it’s illegal to bend them to your will. A strong foundation will take you far in love, and, unlike with Legos, you won’t have to pay $300 for it.

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