ARIES March 21 | April 19


Getting wasted and feeling like death the next morning is OUT; refined, classy parties are IN! Next time you want to have a gathering, why not impress with some hand-crafted cocktails and organic small bites? Everyone will think you’re so cool and have it all together, even if you are currently losing it.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20


Are you feeling hotheaded this week? Sometimes, it’s little, stupid things that make you mad. If you catch yourself near -tears with anger after, like, your laptop isn’t connecting to WiFi, take some deep breaths and make some tea. I promise you will feel better. Better yet, just go to sleep. If you’re sleeping, you can’t be mad.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20


Talk about anything and everything this week. I love fun facts because they make you a hit at parties (if they don’t, you’re going to the wrong parties). But I think there are ways to do fun facts that aren’t all similar. Vary your library this week by gathering information from multiple subjects. No one wants a one-trick pony.

CANCER June 21| July 22


Things are hard. Even easy things are sometimes hard. And then, hard things become easy because, compared to the easy things, they aren’t that much harder. This is all to say that sometimes there will be weekends where you write two papers in two hours but your laundry is still sitting in a big gross pile, for example.

LEO July 23 | August 22


’Tis the season for the weather to really throw a wrench in your mood! It’s been sunny recently, but I can’t help feeling that the other shoe is going to drop, and Punxsutawney and his apprentices will have been correct all along. But isn’t there something neat about the thrill of that? Maybe it’s just me; I don’t know. Examine thrill this week. 

August 23 | September 22


Do you have any hot takes this week? Sometimes it seems that everyone has an opinion. Not that they shouldn’t.; Iit’s just like, maybe they could do it a little quieter and further away. Instead of going to Twitter or, worse, the dreaded class discussion, write your hottest takes on pieces of paper and blend them with oatmilk. Mmmmmm.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22


Our bodies are so powerful! They can do really cool things, like hurt really badly for no reason for exactly six seconds only. A Vine-length level of hurt. Truly remarkable. Listen to your body this week, even when it goes, “Owowowowowowownevermind.” You never know what it’s trying to tell you. You’re probably dehydrated, though.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21


Being able to find your way around a place you live is honestly a gift. I didn’t know what was two steps outside of campus for way too long, and now I feel like I’m a master of Poughkeepsie directions. Hone your directional abilities this week, and try not to rely on Google Maps. You are a pirate. Follow the North Star. Bring your astrolabe.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21


College is so scary because it’s like, you’re an adult, but you aren’t? But also you kind of totally are. It’s really fun, because you’re allowed to make mistakes– like accidentally creating toxic fumes in your kitchen twice–, but it’s also terrible because you’re crying all the time. When in doubt, remember that bleach does not mix with ANYTHING.

December 22 | January 19


Don’t step on any sharp objects this week. There are many reasons for this: Firstly, it will hurt you. A thorn or nail, for example, is sharp and will cause you to be in pain. Secondly, it could make you bleed, and bleeding is annoying because you will have to change socks. Thirdly, tetanus. I feel like that one’s self-explanatory.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18


Aquarians are known for their charm, and one thing I’ve learned about charm is that it could be the key to easy money. Try out a lemonade stand this week, except lie to everyone and say that, because it’s organic, you have to sell each cup for $12.50. If they protest, simply bat your eyelashes at them. It literally will not fail.

PISCES February 19 | March 20


Deece dinners love to play hard to get; it’s like they’re teasing us. Sometimes they’ll say they have my favorite pasta shape (linguine, obviously) at Home, but when I get there it’s just penne. I think that’s kind of cool, if disappointing. Begin to tell subtle lies to everyone this week so they’ll think you’re aloof and very suave. Foolproof.


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