ARIES March 21 | April 19


Running away could solve all your problems, or it could cause more. Sometimes causing problems can be fun, though, because it allows you to see new sides of people. No one is more real than when they’re dealing with someone who temporarily fucked up their day. Keep this information close; you may need it later.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20


Loyalty and honesty are very important for maintaining relationships, but they can also prove useful for other facets of your life. Have you been loyal and honest with the mysterious stains in your room lately? Do you know where they came from? Are you prepared to take the blame, or the dent out of your deposit?

GEMINI May 21 | June 20


Sometimes, things that are mushy and gushy can be great: love letters, for instance, or hugs. Sometimes, though, things that are mushy and gushy can be awful, like the two-week old bag of spinach in my fridge slowly melting into goop. Learn the difference between good and bad mush this week. It may save you.

CANCER June 21| July 22


There are times when people say things that sound mean, but they really aren’t. People are just tired, or annoyed at other things or preoccupied. Maybe. Or maybe they secretly hate your guts and are plotting your demise and have hired a mobster to go after you. Always stay vigilant—the mob doesn’t play around.

LEO July 23 | August 22


You are simply the life of the party, and that’s great for you. It’s nice when everyone wants you around. Have you considered, though, that that may be because of your knowledge of the curse? You know, the curse. Oh, don’t pretend you don’t understand what I’m talking about; I’m not stupid. I’m onto you. 

August 23 | September 22


Organization is super key for things like homework, laundry day and art heists. All three of those activities are equally taxing and pose pretty much the same threat on your well-being. Not that I’ve ever done an art heist, but I actually feel like it would be more emotionally fulfilling than the homework or laundry. Hypothetically.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22


Knowing your own needs is super important, even when your needs seem trivial. So what if you like receiving gifts? Your loved ones will feel great knowing you felt safe enough to tell them. Whatever your eclectic love language, voice it this week: jewelry, massages, cooking, coffee, money, sex, money, sex…

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21


Undergoing a violent yet necessary transformation? Emotional or physical; either is relevant. Examples: breakup, thesis, tattoo, werewolf. All equally valid. It can be cleansing to change yourself in a way that seems irreparable but actually makes you reach your fullest potential. Just don’t maul anyone, please.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21


I know we all joke about touching grass, but it is literally healing. Have you ever sat down in a field and done literally nothing? Or looked at the sky like you’re in some kind of Wes Anderson film? It’s mesmerizing! Find shapes in clouds this week! They probably aren’t omens or messages. I don’t think.

December 22 | January 19


Aggression and annoyance are telling feelings, so don’t feel bad for having them. It can even be helpful to think about letting out your anger and not act on it. Next time you are faced with atrocities such as midterms or the current price of eggs, envision catharsis and then take deep breaths. It probably won’t work, but it can’t hurt to try.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18


Are you feeling passionate and poetic this week? Try your hand at some rhyming couplets or haikus if you’re not a natural poetry person. Here’s one I wrote for you: “This week might be hard./Still, don’t let that get you down./Sleep is good for you.” See? It’s not that hard! Creativity is so fun. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20


Sobbing multiple times a week can be cool, but one thing that can be even cooler is not doing that. It’s great to feel your feelings, of course, but sometimes it’s okay to tell your feelings that you’ve had enough for the day. You can always resume tomorrow! Don’t shut your emotions down, just shut them up. For now.

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