The Global Kitchen introduced its new British concept bowl this week to universal acclaim, with desperate students lining up for hours. The bowl, which incorporates British staples like beans on toast, steak and kidney pie, and marmite, has increased demand at the Global Kitchen tenfold, with wait times as long as five hours a common reality for bowl-seekers.
One recent evening, the line wrapped around the Global Kitchen twice, past the drinks machine, through the booths and over the ice cream freezer, before passing through a broken window (smashed by protestors demanding that the Deece devote all of its resources to producing more British bowls) and extending all the way to Rockefeller Hall. After examining aerial footage of the line, Poughkeepsie Police estimated that around 700 students were waiting for British bowl access.
“It’s a major crowd control issue,” one officer told The Miscellany News. “We haven’t seen anything like this since they shut down the Homo Hop back in ’99. Frankly, if this doesn’t get better soon, I wouldn’t be surprised if—what? They have mushy peas? I’m outta here!” The officer refused to offer any further comment, abruptly ending the interview and rushing to join the growing throng of British bowl fans.
Asked what their favorite part of the British bowl was, many members of the line admitted that they had yet to actually taste the dish. “The wait times have been, like, crazy,” one said, a comment met with agreement by nearby bowl fans.
“I dream about bubble and squeak at night,” another said. “Bubble. Squeak. Bubble. Squeak. Squeak. Bubble. These words echo in my head while I sleep. If I don’t eat the British bowl soon, I will go insane. I am already insane. Bubble. Squeak. Bubble.”
At one point, spontaneous chants rose up, with students shouting, “Bangers and mash! Bangers and mash! Bangers and mash!” The mob’s fervor was immediately apparent, with several incidents of violence breaking out as students waited for their turn to taste the British bowl.
When members of the line overheard another student referring to the beloved potatoes from the Grill as “fries” instead of “chips,” the mob immediately gave chase, declaring their intentions to “turn them into blood pudding” and “make an Eton mess of their face.”
A number of students on the line echoed the sentiment that the experience had given them a newfound appreciation for all of British culture. “I’m looking to buy one of those big furry hats that they wear at Buckingham Palace,” one said.
“I want to f— all of the Beatles,” another declared.
“And I’m beginning to think the wrong side won the War of 1812.”
