Plan a fun spring break for pennies on the dollar!

So, how was your spring break? It’s a simple enough question, and yet those six little words are enough to strike terror in the hearts of Vassarites everywhere. Simply open up Instagram and you’ll see picture after picture of laughing, thong-clad people (of all genders) on the beaches of Cancún. Realistically, though, you couldn’t afford to go to Mexico just like that. I sure as hell couldn’t; I crank out this garbage for The Misc pro bono. So how can you make your break better next year? What can you do during your two weeks off with a budget so comically small that, if you threw it into a fountain for good luck, you would instantly be struck by lightning? Read on to find out!


Of course, the cheapest and most widespread housing choice for Vassar students is the famous hotel “La Casa De Mis Padres.” There’s free room and board at your parental abode, and, unlike if you vacationed in Mexico, the hosts even speak your language! Of course, nothing in life is free, and you’ll pay for your trip with dozens of cringeworthy, stress-inducing, completely unprovoked little interactions with your dear old folks. But hey, it’s always good to have some motivation to find a job and move out, isn’t it?


Failing that, you could always have a little staycation at the luxurious resort “Su Dormitorio.” Vassar does make you pay dearly for the privilege—$45 per day in Poughkeepsie!—but it’s definitely worth it. Enjoy having a table all to yourself at the Deece and choosing from endless options for study spots at the library! You can even go into your dorm’s empty MPR, shout something and listen to your voice echo through the barren, lonely space—it’s almost like having a conversation with a friend. It’s too bad all of your real friends are busy hanging out in their childhood bedrooms in suburban Connecticut!


But if you stay at Vassar and don’t want to spend spring break talking to a soccer ball with a face drawn on it in an attempt to stay sane, there are other options. Have a car? You could visit some of the Hudson Valley’s most exotic destinations! Maybe you’ve been to Poughkeepsie’s Target more times than you can count—but what about Newburgh’s? The red balls in front look very slightly different! And how about the Adams Fairacre Farms—in Wappingers? The excitement just never stops in the scenic Hudson Valley!


If you don’t have a car, you can still go down to NYC for the low, low price of just $38.50. The Greatest City in the World is itself a prime spring break spot, you know! Enjoy watching crowds of crabby Midwestern tourists waiting in line at the same four overrated pizza places. Nicely ask a Midtown cop if you can ride their horsie. And play everyone’s favorite subway game: “What’s that on the floor?” Of course, everything in NYC is expensive, not just the train fare, but here’s a Hot Tip: Save big by bringing a fishing pole! For dinner, you can just cook whatever it is you pull out of the East River, completely for free!


You might be hungry when you get back to campus, but don’t worry; there’s plenty of food to be had if you know where to look! Over every break, hardworking maintenance employees band together and throw out all the unrecognizable wads of miscellaneous food-based kludge from the dorm freezers. If you get to it before they do, it’s yours for the taking. Leaking packages of slushy ground beef might not sound too appealing—but hey, the price is right!


So there you have it. With these amazing spring break ideas, you can have the absolute most legal fun possible with your pants on, and all for a mere pittance! The next time you’re getting jealous of your friends partying it up in Croatia or Hawai’i, just think about the awesome plans that you have. And if all else fails, just hope you get hit by the campus shuttle—then, once you’ve recovered, you’ll be swimming in spring-break-vacation money!

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