הורוסקופס

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Älä anna ajan karkaa sinusta tällä viikolla. Ole ahkera. Älä jätä tehtäviä sivuun viime hetkellä. Sinun on hyvä kirjoittaa tehtävälista. Se tekee elämästäsi helpompaa.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

.-.. .. ..-. . / .. … / … — / .- — .- –.. .. -. –. -.-.– / . …- . .-. -.– .– …. . .-. . / -.– — ..- / –. — / – …. . .-. . / .- .-. . / -.. — –. … / .- -. -.. / -… ..- –. … / .- -. -.. / … ..- -. … …. .. -. . -.-.– / .. / …. — .–. . / -.– — ..- / …. .- …- . / .- / –. .-. . .- – / -.. .- -.– .-.-.- / -.– .. .–. .–. . . -.-.–

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

Wklv flskhu zdv qdphg diwhu Fdhvdu, zkrvh olih zdv vdg ehfdxvh klv iulhqgv glgq’w olnh klp dqg kh glgq’w hyhq nqrz. Eh krqhvw zlwk brxu ihholqjv wklv zhhn; qr rqh olnhv ehlqj vwdeehg lq wkh edfn—ru wkh iurqw.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

3 cups of carrots, chopped. 2 sticks of celery, chopped. 1 large onion, chopped. 4 cloves of garlic, minced or crushed. One large glug of olive oil. A few sprigs of fresh rosemary. 1 tbsp of all-purpose flour. Meat.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

Weird growth on foot WebMD. Weird growth on foot Healthline. Why do I smell like tuna when I did not eat tuna. Do I have avian flu. Do I have avian flu 2023. Do you have avian flu NYT. Do I have avian flu BuzzFeed. Keith BuzzFeed. Shane BuzzFeed. Shane BuzzFeed sexy. 

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

Head northwest on Hooker Ave 0.3 mi. Turn left onto Wilbur Blvd 2 mi. Turn right onto NY-113 W/Spackenkill Rd 0.6 mi. Use the right lane to take the ramp onto US-9 S/South Rd 3.1 mi. Turn right onto NY-9D S/W Main St. 1.5 mi. Merge onto I-84 58.5 mi. Continue onto I-84 36.3 mi. Use the left 2 lanes to merge onto I-81 S toward Wilkes-Barre 36.3 mi. Take exit 151B to merge onto I-80 W 1,477 mi. Take exit 102 for I-76 W toward Denver 1.4 mi. Stay on I-76 W for 530 mi. Take exit 157 to merge onto US-191 N/US-6 W toward Price/Salt Lake City 70.3 mi. Continue straight onto US-6 W 56.6 mi. Merge onto I-15 N 17.5 mi. Stay on I-15 N 29.5 mi. Take exit 305A toward 2100 S/900 S/W Valley 0.2 mi. Continue onto UT-201 W 16.8 mi. Merge onto I-80 W 632 mi. Take exit 83 for Reed Ave toward W Sacramento 0.2 mi. Turn right onto Reed Ave 0.5 mi. Turn right onto Harbor Blvd 0.8 mi. Turn right onto W Capitol Ave 1.6 mi. Merge onto I-80 W via the ramp to San Francisco 77.6 mi. Use the left lane to take exit 2B for Harrison St toward Embarcadero 0.4 mi. Turn left onto Harrison St.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

I really just think that Greg from “Succession” is a mark of the folly inherent in human nature and a stand-in for the downfall of capitalism. It’s really very simple, but if you need help I’ve created a guide on my television blog outlining every line of his that I deem important to this arc. Find it here: tinyurl.com/bdd6hu5n.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

Ba ba doo bap! Ba daia dada doodleoo doo doo doobedoo WAH! Sha-boobedoop boobado BABADAYAUM DEE dat, skadoobadood’n deedleada doodlada dadada hey! 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

At first I was afraid, I was petrified/ Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side/ But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong/ And I grew strong/ And I learned how to get along/ And so you’re back/ From outer space/ I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face/ I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key/ If I’d known for just one second you’d be back to bother me/ Go on now, go, walk out the door/ Just turn around now/ ’Cause you’re not welcome anymore/ Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?/ You think I’d crumble?/ You think I’d lay down and die?/ Oh no, not I, I will survive/ Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive/ I’ve got all my life to live/ And I’ve got all my love to give and I’ll survive/ I will survive, hey, hey

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

Tell ALLL your friends you’ve got a super-charged VITAMIX BLENDER! Make dips! Spreads! Smoothies! ANNNNND PROTEIN SHAKES, all from the comfort of your OWN! HOME! It even makes SOUP by heating up components AS YOU BLEND THEM! And it could be YOURS! All for the low, low price of TWO! NINETY! NINE! NINETY! NINE!

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius 

Seven oysters that will change the way you look at sea creatures. Twelve of the most underrated bakeries in Las Vegas. This one quiz will tell you what strain of weed you should smoke. Pick your favorite desserts and we’ll tell you which member of BTS wants to fuck you the least. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

7 x 6 x 10 = ?

13– 100 = ?

6 x 4 x 100,000/3 + 85 = ?



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