FBI Deece pasta lies

Karen Mogami/The Miscellany News.

On Friday, March 23, a team of federal agents was called into the Gordon Commons for what was referred to as an “egregious breach of contract and violation of trust” regarding the repeated failure of menus to actually say what shapes of pasta will be served on a given evening. The report, filed by a student who wishes to remain anonymous, came after months of backlash on the menus of the Home and Root stations.

After a 48-hour comprehensive investigation, a team of federal agents found that the GoCo was in fact in breach of contract with Bon Appétit Dining Services for false advertising. Their contract specifically stipulates: “No menu can lie about what shapes of pasta you will have, ESPECIALLY if you say it’s going to be linguine and it turns out to be penne. That’s, like, a totally different thing.”

Students were quick to share their grievances with The Misc, with Susanna Shull ’23 stating, “It’s completely bonkers and unfair. I have to walk 12 minutes from my TA because the online menu TOLD ME that I was going to get a specific shape with a specific sauce. It’s like they don’t even care about sauce adhesion. You can’t tell me that I’m getting a noodle with ridges and then give me a smooth, flat noodle. What is wrong with you people?”

Others were even more disgusted by the situation. “It was totally the right thing to call the Federal Bureau of Investigation, whoever it was that did it, which totally wasn’t me,” remarked Nandini Likki ’25 [Disclaimer: Likki is Assistant Humor Editor for The Miscellany News. She also definitely did not call the FBI]. “They obviously have nothing better to do, and this conflict technically crosses state lines if it’s true that Bon Appétit makes all their sandwiches in New Jersey.” Miss Likki continued, “Again, it absolutely 100 percent was not me who did it. But if I knew who did it, I would congratulate them because they did the right thing, and it probably wouldn’t even be that hard to convince them to come to campus. Not that I would know.”

Some students, it is true, were confused about the willingness of the FBI to so readily investigate these crimes. I was able to reach out to one field agent who explained their process: “When President Bradley called us, I knew it was serious,” they said. “I guess the complaint had gotten something like 50 student signatures? That’s a lot.” When asked about why they chose to come to Vassar instead of stopping actual crimes, the agent admitted the relative oddity of their coming to Vassar specifically: “People have been asking us, ‘shouldn’t you be going after terrorists or cyber crimes or something?’ and I’m just like, nah, we’re good.” On why they chose this institution in which to pour money and resources, the agent declined to answer directly. “We are concerned with all instances of rule-breaking. Plus, it seems like Americans don’t trust us anymore, which is crazy, as there’s no reason for them to possibly think that. With little acts of justice like this, we’re hoping to right our reputation in the eyes of citizens everywhere.” 

Perhaps the most upsetting conclusion of the study was that the Deece was not only falsely advertising pasta shapes, but entire pasta dishes as well. Just last week, it was reported that the website and physical menus listed an orzo pilaf at Home, yet many diners actually received fusilli in a cream sauce with olives. The tests performed by the field agents were rigorous and extensive, as our investigative reporters were able to witness firsthand. The G-people reportedly took cross-sections of every pasta shape served and placed them under industrial microscopes to measure their ridges and circumference, then tested them in a chemical solution to extract the percentage of semolina in each. These were cross-referenced with the International Pasta Database (IPD) to exactly determine pasta shape. Other more observant agents would take noodles and check them against a pasta shape chart, which now hangs on the walls of the kitchen, as well as by the soda fountains for easy due diligence from diners and workers alike.

Though Vassar was found to be in breach of contract, it appears that no legal consequences will follow. “We’ve been given a warning not to make these mistakes again,” President Bradley stated in an email conversation with The Misc. “We’re working really hard to further our commitment to transparency among the students, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this was, as they say, our bad.” Administration was also in contact about a continuation of the investigation process; each week, an agent will visit the kitchens to confirm that the pastas being served are listed correctly in menus both online and in person. “We don’t care how much paper we have to print out to update menus when we run out of fun noodles,” one Deece worker said. “We are never going to deal in misinformation and half-truths again. It simply isn’t right.”

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