Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Become one with nature this week as the days get warmer and the nights get shorter. Acquaint yourself with a body of water. Get in. Feel the mud on your feet. Feel the moss on your skin. Stay there for a long time. Hours, maybe. Or centuries. Allow your body to be mummified. Become a bog body, like Hozier would have wanted. 

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Creativity may seem unending right now, so ride that wave to its natural conclusion. The human capacity for making and doing is endless. Try your hand at every medium known to mankind. Why not take up tattooing or French pâtisserie? Or maybe figure out how to become a snake charmer. It couldn’t hurt.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini

The stars are telling me you may soon welcome an additional member of your family … but that doesn’t necessarily mean a baby is coming your way. Why not figure out a way to make a terrarium with bugs found around campus, or get a lovely potted plant to add to your home? It’s a good week to <3 creatures.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

Are you feeling a little stuck this week? This could be in any capacity—maybe you feel trapped in your job or your schoolwork, or you’re feeling that peculiar internal stickage that only a week of attempting to stay kosher for Passover can bring. Even if you aren’t familiar, try your best to stay, well, regular this week.  

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

Boredom is a real killer; it can cause you to get lazy or impatient. Channel that feeling into other ventures instead. I’ve heard that napkin-folding is all the rage now. Why not take some fabric and make it into fun animals? Whatever your favorite animal, I bet there’s a napkin version. There can’t not be.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

TikTok music is not good. No one’s saying it is. But sometimes you just need to put on Spotify’s newest pop playlist, and let it spew out barely two-and-a-half minutes of, like, one chorus and half a bridge by this week’s skinny white girl extraordinaire and think about NOTHING. It’s good to think about nothing sometimes.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Feeling like a feral baby animal this week? Are the only thoughts in your mind “bite kill bite kill blood PLAY bite kill?” Well, you’re not the only one. Think about things to bite and kill that won’t be permanently damaged, and you’ll have motivation to get through the week. You could always make like my cat and murder shirts and towels.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

You should probably climb a tree or something this week. Or go up to the top of a building and just kind of look at stuff. Things are so small when you are high up—I learned that in a psychology class I took once. They are neat to look at that way, so you should do it and observe. I bet it’ll be fun.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Communication is key, but why not try to be more enigmatic this week? Not in the way that sexy people are enigmatic; more like in the way Will Shortz is enigmatic. Speak in crossword puzzle code: “________ kidding me?,” six letters. “Gut emotion,” seven letters. “‘Hairspray’ opener ‘_____ Morning Baltimore,’” four letters.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

It can be good to get in on the action, but sometimes it’s better to sit back and think. What are your instincts telling you? Are they telling you to lie down in the grass and look up at the sky and smell the flowers and be awash in the beauty of nature? Oh. Well, even if they aren’t, it would be good to do that, probably. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

Why not look for answers inside you rather than trying to find meaning and validation from outside sources? Your body and mind are telling you such valuable things, like, “If I don’t pet a cat today or tomorrow at the very least, I’m going to go crazy in the head.” That’s valuable information. I would know.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces

I’m not necessarily saying that the world is against you this week, just that you might want to scan all of your important documents before doing anything drastic. But, like, nothing’s going to happen to them. I don’t think. It would absolutely suck if something did. But it won’t. I mean, yeah. No. It won’t.

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