Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Aries

Travel seems alluring this week. Maybe hop on a plane and jet over to Europe somewhere. I’ve heard Airbnb’s are cheap in Athens. Or perhaps experiment in Aviation. Everyone knows someone from elementary school who wanted to be a pilot; why not make that person you? Put on the little goggles and everything. Slay, Amelia Earheart. 

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus

Feeling handy this week? Grab your toolkit and fix things (NOT PEOPLE) to make yourself feel useful. Get a Screwdriver and some hammers working! Just be careful not to, like, saw your hand off or something. That would be really bad. Now that I think about it, maybe stick to the screwdriver. I will not be liable. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Gemini
Not sure what you’re doing this summer, or ever? Don’t worry; you’re not alone. The thing about living in the “real world” is that it seems impossible until you do it. You’re telling me I have to figure out what I want to do with my life, AND I have to be in Manhattan when I do it? Sounds fake. Maybe you’ll be luckier than I, though.

CANCER June 21| July 22

Cancer

This week, commit to the bit—or the aesthetic. Why not trick all your friends into thinking you’ve become an Old Fashioned railroad baron or something? Clip a pocket watch to your lapel (?) and adopt a fake transatlantic accent for kicks, too, and see how long you can go without everyone getting sick of you. Good luck!

LEO July 23 | August 22

Leo

Doing things that are scary can be really good for you, but maybe don’t spend your time purposefully doing things that make you scream “Bloody Mary.” Still, try and put yourself into situations that are scary, because the only way to not be scared is to do things that are scary. Sucks, I know. Sorry.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Virgo

Old movies are literally so good; when we forget about old movies we forget how to LIVE. Hays Code-era movies where people were afraid to touch hands are the peak of romance, actually. Live in their repression this week; or maybe just watch vintage videos of people, I don’t know, riding in the Sidecar of an old motorcycle. I don’t know how vehicles work. 

 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Libra

Experiment with BRUNCH this week! There is something so, so special about a bottomless Mimosa and a bottom-full stack of pancakes. Brunch is where the purest form of the human condition is manifested for all to see. There is no better way to observe the human condition than over mediocre coffee and home fries.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorpio

The weather has been odd this week, and your emotions have likely been, as well. What to do when both you and Mother Nature are feeling Dark ’N Stormy? Have you considered screaming? No joke—I’ve been trying it, and it’s been quite healing. Shout like the thunder outside your window.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sagittarius

Tensions run high this week, and arguments may bubble to the surface. Avoid your tendency to need to get the Last Word—let the other person speak, and let them reveal themselves as incorrect. Fighting can be super fun, but it may be better to just let things work themselves out. You can always plan to fight them later. 

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Capricorn

Motivation can be low on these rainy, chilly days; when you feel most like a Zombie, remind yourself that it’s okay to have dips in energy! Don’t make yourself more upset by simply acknowledging your feelings. And remember—more sleep is good. It can be so freeing to feel like a toddler: Naps! Soup! Colors! Baths! Repeat!

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Aquarius

Feeling fancy this week? Do a high tea, or connect with vintage fashion, or practice your Romance languages; anything to make yourself feel more connected and Cosmopolitan. Your high-end tastes could trick anyone into fulfilling your epic fantasy. Pull an Anna Delvey and trick them out of money, too; who cares?

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Pisces 

We all do things that are maybe not the best things to do; we’re only human, and twenty. So maybe you got sloshed on your friend’s mom’s wine this weekend. Don’t let that get you down! There will be other weekends to not do that. You could try knitting next Saturday, or bake some wholesome bread. Or get sloshed again. Whatever. I’m not your mom.

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