The thing about a listicle is that it is untouchable. And the thing about MY listicles is that they are so good that they may be impossible to rank. That said, I want to do this, and thus, I think I will do it. Therefore, as a solemn farewell to my beloved Humor section and my listicle-writing history, here is a listicle of all of my best listicles, and reasons for why I think they are in the order they are in.
- Movements of Handel’s “Messiah”
Right out of the gate, and my Madi-heads are confused. “I’ve never read a listicle ranking all 53 movements of George Frideric Handel’s famous Christmas-slash-Easter oratorio “Messiah” from worst to best,” you protest. And that’s true. Because I didn’t publish it. Why didn’t I publish it? Because nobody wants to read a listicle ranking all 53 movements of George Frideric Handel’s famous Christmas-slash-Easter oratorio “Messiah” from worst to best. It’s all the things you don’t want in a listicle: too long, too niche, too much. I got to the point as I was writing about melismatic sequences when I thought, “Hey, you know what? Maybe I shouldn’t do this ever again.” We live and we learn, people. That’s what school is for.
- Things about Vassar that ~just make sense~
Of my published works, this one is my least favorite because it isn’t truly a listicle. It also falls into the nicheness category a little bit, but I like to believe that I saved it with my classic skill of over-explaining everything. The thing about this is that I wasn’t thinking in listicles yet—the dough of my listicle-making brain was still half-baked, as it were. I was listing things in an article, sure, but it didn’t have that distinct flavor that you want from one of these. I’d give myself an A for effort, but a B- for execution.
- Non-dorm housing
This one was fine. The cons are that it was short and caused a lot of conflict, both within the Misc staff and also among my so-called “friends.” But the thing about my ranking of the non-dorm houses was that it was objectively completely correct and there were no other options that could have been right. Even though I didn’t have much to work with here, I’ll cut myself some slack as a shoutout to my fellow TA-dwellers, who were objectively correct in their housing decision. And it also goes out to those living in Ferry, because I feel bad for you. Clean your kitchen. Get yourself out of there.
- Academic buildings part 1
I think that the Madi-heads will agree that I really hit my stride with this one, not to brag. I loved talking about the beautiful buildings on this campus, and I also liked putting all of the people in the lesser buildings on the edge of their seats. There is nothing that brings this campus together like our love of porches, windows and little rooms to sit in when we’re tired of sitting in our own little rooms. Cliffhanger listicles are really fun, and I think I’d like to do them more. Makes you think.
- Academic buildings part 2
Now, this one is where things started getting FUN. I love a little drama in my time, and I obviously love making fun of Blodgett and the like. I love to be a little hateful and petty in my writing sometimes, and a listicle in the Humor section may well be the best place to do that. I especially loved espousing my fake wisdom when everyone knows that I’ve probably only ever taken classes in three real buildings on this campus, so the rest is entirely based upon conjecture and vibes. Doesn’t mean I’m not right, though.
- Water Fountains
What is more necessary to us, truly, than water, my Madi-heads? And, on this campus of dubious sustenance, why not create an ode to that, our most basic of needs? I feel like students don’t even know where the best water fountains are on this campus, so cluing people in to that invaluable knowledge is essential to my sworn duty of being a campus elder. I hope this listicle helped you, even with the knowledge that the Skinner water fountains have been replaced by bottle fillers that negate the temperature factor entirely. Sad world we live in.
There is nothing more classic than fighting over which dorm is better, and there is nothing more calming than knowing that my list is the definitive answer to that argument. It’s been heartwarming to hear alums remark on how Main used to be, and sorrowful to know what a terrible building it’s become. (Maybe this summer will be the summer of the epic Main renovation, though; who knows!) I stand by my words about staging a Main coup if the atrocities continue. Know your rights and fight for them!
The Madi-heads know this one wasn’t even a listicle, but its ability to make me spiral and go down an archetypal rabbit hole was important enough to place it this high. I love baby carrots. And I loved writing about them. But more importantly, I loved preaching the power of literature and the hero’s journey through the most beautiful, humble vegetable. I hope that you found the listicle as enjoyable and manic-inducing as I did. The graphs were really the cherry (or carrot) on top. Good listicle. Would write again.
Ah, yes; my Odyssean journey to rank all of the Deece teas (except Wild Sweet Orange). Lots happened on this day—I almost threw up, I thought about suing Tazo, and I believed I uncovered a great conspira-tea, for three—but yet I decided to soldier on. Me and my two loyal tea helpers made our way through a ridiculous catalog of hot leaf water at our table next to the graveyard in the far corner, and our rainy Sunday was made all the better for it. I laughed, I cried, I experienced emotions unknown to me in all of my years of existence. I drank Passion Tea for the first time, and it made me wince and convulse. I suckled the sweet nectar of Green Ginger. I dove into the brave waters of the Frankentea. There really was no end to my journey this day, and I think The Misc was improved by this epic trek to success. A winning listicle for sure, especially given the time, effort and care put into it. Go, past Madi.
Well, that’s it: the last listicle. The last article. Now I’m off to find a job that will pay me to do something a lot less fun than this. I hope you’ve enjoyed my rankings. Now that I think about it, this listicle may in fact be the best.