ARIES March 21 | April 19

I think the most Aries thing that I can tell you about my dad is that he once randomly flew to Jamaica with a friend because he wanted to see the beach, and then he wouldn’t stop sending me messages in Spanish, although he does not know how to speak it. I took Spanish in high school. I still had no idea what he was saying. Love you, Dad.



TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Taurus sure sounds like “tour us,” which is coincidentally the number one thing that no Vassar student would ever say. A couple weeks ago, I was walking down the staircase from the third floor of the Deece into the vestibule. I opened the door on the first floor and absolutely plowed into some poor mom on a campus tour. I gushed a bunch of “Sorry!!!”s in rapid succession, but the shame won’t go away. I can’t backwards-walk my way out of this one, folks.



GEMINI May 21 | June 20

For some reason, I’m really good at attracting Gemini energy into my life. Not only are three of my best friends Geminis, but my other Capricorn best friend also has a Gemini Saturn. Did I do natal charts for all of my friends? NO. I just happen to know these things, okay? 



CANCER June 21| July 22

Do you wave at people when you see them around campus? Aristotle categorized friendships into three categories: useful, pleasure, and perfect and complete. I’m always scared to wave at my useful friends because there’s a 50 percent chance that they don’t see me, and the rejection always stings more than it should. This doesn’t really have anything to do with Cancers, but I know you guys get rejected a lot, so maybe you know how it feels.



LEO July 23 | August 22

My sister and I watched “The Aviator” over spring break, and I think more people should be talking about Leonardo DiCaprio’s performance in it. I only knew about Howard Hughes from a Father John Misty lyric, but after watching “The Aviator,” I know way more about him than I ever really needed to know. You know? The way of the future. The way of the future.



August 23 | September 22

I think the most Virgo thing I can tell you about my mom is that she’s filled our entire house with plants, top to bottom. I wake up, and there’s aloe vera hitting me in the face. I step out of bed, and there are money plant vines all over the floor. She also names them. This makes it extra weird when we eat food she makes with curry leaves that come from “Subramaniam.” Love you, Mom.



LIBRA September 23 | October 22

I’m a Libra, and I’m the best person I know. Do you this week, queen. Work it. Yass. Slayage was served. Cunt to the extreme. 



SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

My sister’s a Scorpio, but if I’m being honest? Scorpios. Freak. Me. OUT. It’s something about their eyes. It’s like when Christian Bale used Tom Cruise as inspiration for his character in “American Psycho” because Cruise had nothing behind his eyes. And guess what sign Tom Cruise is? That’s right, he’s a CANCER—wait.



SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Oh God, there are so many of these that I have to write. I’m running out of witty and relatable quips about love and life. I’m not Dorothy Parker. Although I do actually really love the name Dorothy. So much nickname potential. Dot. Thea. Dolly. Dora. Pomodoro. From now on, please just call me Pomodoro.



December 22 | January 19

When I was little and my parents would take me to parties, sometimes they would serve fried baby corn as an appetizer. But the idea of baby corn is so stupid. Why not serve the mother or father corn? Why must you separate this poor child from its parents, its loving family? It would always taste really great, though. Mmmm. Fried chili baby corn.



AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Isn’t it so weird that Aquariuses (Aquariusi?) are air signs instead of water signs? I mean, who came up with this bullshit? The Babylonians?! My favorite song on “Just Dance” is “Aquarius” by The 5th Dimension (you might also know it from the musical “Hair”). Is it becoming apparent that I wrote these in a feverish frenzy?



PISCES February 19 | March 20

In high school, our teachers arranged for this marine biologist to do a lecture for our whole school and talk about a book she had recently published, although it suddenly became very apparent that she had a special kind of relationship with one octopus in particular. I’m glad I’m not in high school anymore. 


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