Final Horoscopes

Well, folks, the stars have told me it’s time to say goodbye. It’s been an absolute joy being your astrological liaison these past four years. I can only hope I brought you some solace, advice or perhaps even light chortles. Thanks for everything.

Aries

When letting go feels hard, remember that mostly you have to let go of things that no longer serve you. School has become vestigial, like finger webbing or your appendix. And even though it hurts for them to go in and cut school out of you, remember that you’ll get sepsis if it stays in. This metaphor is easily transferable. 

Taurus

Life is CRAZY! Jobs are CRAZY! More school is even more CRAZY! But so are all the other things, like grocery shopping or seeing your parents and having a different view of them now. If you are feeling crazy, remember that you aren’t alone and grocery shopping is hard for everyone. There is an evil beast inside of every Stop & Shop.

Gemini

College was great for so many things! I learned who I was (someone who cries kind of a lot). I learned what I want (things that are often very bad for me). I know what I want to do with my life now (make enough money to buy a loaf of sourdough and a latte once a week). We are all lifelong learners. Remind yourself what you want, even if it sucks.

Cancer

When the going gets tough, the body shuts down. Take care of your most basic of needs, even the annoying ones. You’ll know you need to do some deep breathing or sleep better when there are small sprites which appear out of the corner of your eye and steal your stuff. You need to be alert in order to catch them, after all.

Leo

Summer means goodbye to cold rain and hello to hot rain. With the warm weather only getting warmer, engage in all the bacchanal activities you were too scared to do when you still had to plan for a bag to put your jacket in. Go swimming, for example, or take off all your clothes and run around the library. Oh, you already did that? Cool. 

Virgo

Need a distraction that doesn’t involve ingesting poisonous chemicals? Try activities like baking or crochet or origami. What all of these have in common is that you can make little guys for all of your friends! Whether it’s a cupcake, an origami frog or a granny square, make something with your hands. It calms the soul-sucking demons, if for a moment.

Libra

“Where will you be next year? What will you do next year?” Ummm, make soup for my friends or something. Why can’t we all just live Paddington Bear lives? Why must I think about taxes and rent and utilities and cockroaches? Life is so hard as it is. Relish in these last few weeks of having most things sorted for you. The horrors will come soon enough.

Scorpio

Have these last weeks been hard? Have they actually been a little awful? Know at least that you’re not alone. When things are hard, I remember a couple of things: First, there is likely at least one animal in your life that loves you unconditionally. Second, actually I think that’s all anyone would ever need. You’re welcome.  

Sagittarius

Moving on might feel like the most natural thing in the world for you, but don’t let your love of adventure keep you from appreciating these last days. Are you going to the winery? I’ll be there. I hope they give us one of those spit buckets the professionals use to keep from getting too drunk. That’s my one dream. I have no other dreams.

Capricorn

Enjoy some time in the nature here before you have to exist in the terrifying Real World filled with Targets and highways and genetically incomprehensible rats. Even if you’re sneezing the whole time and your eyes feel like they’re going to fall out of your head, it’ll be worth it. Lying in the dirt and mud and goose poop is healing, actually. 

Aquarius

Loss is a part of life. I lost a claw clip yesterday and I’m inconsolable. Tomorrow I may lose something else. I’m a very forgetful person. Sometimes, loss is beneficial. Other times you’re running around to find your ID, calling your friends to let you into buildings you can’t get into because you don’t have your ID but you need to get into them to find your ID. Both are learning experiences. 

Pisces

Are you reliving all of your happy memories again in some sort of perverse ritual to convince yourself you don’t actually want to leave? Noooooo, don’t do that aha ;) But seriously, though; it’s okay to remember the past, but we can’t live in it or repeat it. It’s just like “The Great Gatsby.” And Vassar is like some girl you met in Kentucky once.

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