ARIES March 21 | April 19


Take a deep breath. Feel the humidity in the air. Let it envelop you. Connect to it. Soon, you will find yourself walking through walls, warping wood, making papers weird and damp. You have become the humidity. Embrace it, you are now an agent of Mother Nature. Do what she wishes.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20


Stop going in and out of the wrong doors. I know it’s you doing it. You are ruining the precarious balance of how well society functions. It is incredibly upsetting to me and probably other people as well. The center door at the Deece is for entering, not exiting. There are two other doors you can leave from, don’t be selfish. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20


Remember to wash your face (both of them). I just have a feeling that it’s been a little while since you’ve practiced some self-care. Why not go further than just washing your face? Steal a carton of milk from the fancy new Deece milk fridges. Do it. You won’t.

CANCER June 21| July 22


Respond to your texts. Sometimes it is fun to be mysterious and elusive, but you need to make sure that your family knows that you’re alive and well—or as well as you can be without Retreat oatmeal every morning.

LEO July 23 | August 22


Make sure to listen to Olivia Rodrigo’s new album. Reflect upon the passage of time. Remember when her first album came out? Me too. Do you still feel seventeen? Wrong. You’re going to be twenty next week. 

August 23 | September 22


Go buy that thing you’ve been looking at. I know you want to. We all need someone to tell us to do things sometimes. This is me telling you that retail therapy is good, and it is fun to buy yourself a little treat. Or a big treat. Just remember, capitalism is consuming us all, you may as well be a maximalist. 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22


You’ll probably have a good week this week. Or maybe not, I have no basis to be saying this. If you’re feeling down, go to the crystal store with a friend and talk about which rocks would be the best to eat. Hematite, yum. 

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21


Take a walk around Sunset Lake to relax. Have you ever been in the woods around there? They are very pretty. Just don’t go alone at night. I once found an isolated deer pelvis there. I don’t know how it got there, but I don’t want to find out. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21


This is the week of learning how to spell. I’m not just saying that because I am a Sagittarius but I still sometimes find myself forgetting how to spell it. Reminisce about the spelling tests that you took in elementary school. Remember those? Become the person that fifth-grade you would love. Or hate, I don’t make the rules. 

December 22 | January 19


This is going to be a weird week for you. And me. And maybe all of us. Make the most of it! Embrace the weird, mix it up a little! Start calling the Deece the GoCo, wear those fish shoes in public or walk in front of Noyes on the sidewalk instead of cutting across the grass. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18


Do some spring cleaning. I know that it’s that weird summer-fall transitionary period, but sometimes it’s good to get ahead of the game. Why stop at spring cleaning? Take out your winter clothes, who cares that it’s 80 degrees out? You can never be too prepared. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20


This week might be overwhelming. Take some time to reconnect with nature. Go outside and smell the many, many flowers around campus. Don’t get too close, there are bees on the ground. They may not let you go back inside. 

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