The Miscellany News

The type of journaling that self-help books recommend is the kind that tells you you are not good enough as you are, and that you really need to practice more “self-care.” It instructs you to go buy a nice leather notebook in a color that you like or a pretty pen that you designate as your journaling pen. If this is what it takes for you to start journaling, and you can afford it, then I agree with the self-help book: go buy a pen and notebook.  

I was introduced to journaling when I was 10 in the form of a gift from a well-meaning relative. It was a fairy-themed activity book that guided me through prompts like, “If you had a million dollars, what would you buy?” The title was something abrasive like, “My Special Secret Diary,” so it was impossible for me to take it anywhere or even be seen with it. The media told me that a diary was a place for a girl to write about her crushes, and books I read early on only reinforced this: If a girl wrote things about her life it was secret letters to all the boys she had ever loved or an anonymous blog in which she thirsted over someone she wanted to kiss. What was the purpose of writing if not to provide an outlet for forbidden feminine desire? I found it in that fairy-themed book. I wrote in it frequently until I started playing competitive soccer and did not have time for anything else.

When I rediscovered journaling, it was because I needed it desperately. I needed it in the same way someone needs therapy, which I probably would have done instead except that I was working alone on a mountain all summer with no service. During my first stint of 11 days on the mountain, I had probably talked to three people total. I spent the time freezing in my sleeping bag or dragging myself around the campsite to do the work I was being paid to do, which included chopping down hazard trees, clearing drainages and stirring the composting toilet before sticking my hands in the stream and crawling right back into my sleeping bag. I did not feel human. I was 18 and slowly realizing that I had not had a clear idea of who I was since middle school, the kind of realization that you can only come to after being so shockingly alone. Who was I when I was not in the presence of the people who I thought knew me?

I finished the first 11 days of that job and stumbled down the mountain, defeated, to meet with my boss. He told me to sit down, and handed me a blank book and a pen. 

“Bring this up with you, and every day, write in it. Something you’re grateful for, or what you’re thinking about, it doesn’t matter. Trust me,” he said, “I did your job for years, and this is all you need sometimes to get through.” 

It was almost infuriating to me that he was suggesting what seemed like a placebo strategy for making myself feel better. It felt like the opposite of what I needed—I needed someone sitting up there with me, validating me when I said it was too cold to do anything and that I had feelings and that I was lonely. He was a very perceptive man, and I was not so good at hiding my despair.

“You’ve got to figure out what works for you and the only way to do that is to get to know yourself.” He nodded at the journal. “Just bring it up with you and try it.” So I did, and just like he said, it helped. When I journaled I kept myself company, but beyond that, I kept the company of a more objective me that was better at listening and endlessly patient.  

Since then, I have been journaling at least once every few days. It forces me to narrate my life to some extent, which usually helps me discern how I feel about things. Self awareness is an active process of understanding my brain, and it takes work. I have to first recognize my negative thought patterns in order to change them, and I have to change them in order to be okay by myself. By being “okay by myself” I am referring to a deep feeling of stability and independence. 

I am not the only one who has been so affected by journaling. According to The New York Times, labeling emotions and acknowledging traumatic events is something that journaling and traditional talk therapy have in common. These strategies have a known positive effect on people. The article also discussed the measurable impact of journaling on memory, sleep and immune health. With the stress that everyone is facing in college and the constant noise of everyday life that makes it so difficult for many people to get a word in with themselves, journaling can be indispensable. It may not work for everyone who tries it, but the girls that get it get it.