Giving my hot takes on toddlers

During breaks, I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time with toddlers. My mother runs a daycare, so I work there when I’m back home (something something nepotism), and I often get stuck working in the toddler room. It’s not easy to talk to toddlers. None of them have seen “The Godfather.” This is not a precursor for any conversation with me (though it certainly helps) nor is “The Godfather” the only film I have opinions on. I also like “The Godfather Part II,” though no toddler has intellectually conversed with me about it yet.

Toddlers don’t know anything about music either. I’m not big on the whole, “Oh yeah, you like so-and-so band? Name five of their songs,” thing, but I am that way when it comes to toddlers. I saw one wearing a Nirvana shirt the other day. You like Nirvana? Really? Name any Nirvana song and I will inquire no further. You know what? Name ANY song, Paxton. My mind will be blown. I think the only music shirt a toddler could wear that I would be okay with is one that says, “I have a modest appreciation for ‘The Itsy Bitsy Spider.’” Maybe a bit wordy, but there’s a lot of truth there.

Another thing that bothers me about toddlers is that they are ridiculously bad at washing their hands. Every time I go home, I get upsettingly ill and I always know who the culprit is. You could give a group of toddlers a semester-long course on handwashing where the final is just washing your hands. They would all fail.

I could imagine that they might actively reject the concept of germs. “You’re telling me I need to cover my hands in water to get rid of microscopic guys on me that are trying to kill me? Nice try. I thought the whole ‘Santa’ thing was a bit much, but this I just can’t accept, Mr. Nick. It’s preposterous. I’ll do the handwashing thing, but always begrudgingly and very badly.” 

I do have some sympathy for the struggles of toddlers. It can be tough being born in 2022 and having to catch up on all the happenings of Earth. They may go their whole lives unaware of the existence of Silly Bandz or PSY’s “Gangnam Style” or Crazy Frog. They weren’t even on Earth yet for the insurrection. Bro, how could you have missed that? It happened, like, yesterday!

I know I have given them a lot of flack, but toddlers are genuinely some of the funniest people that I know. I thought John Mulaney’s “Field of Dreams” bit at the Oscars was funny, but when I imagine it being performed by a two-foot-tall toddler John Mulaney with a weak but self-confident grasp of the English language, it suddenly becomes much funnier to me.

There was this tweet I saw a while ago saying that “toddler” is the most accurate name for anything ever. Firefighters fight fires. Lawnmowers mow lawns. Toddlers most definitely toddle. It’s a name so spot-on it almost feels ageist. And yet there’s no better name for this bumbling group of humans.

I’ve had a pretty good experience with toddlers, all things considered. None of the toddlers I’ve had actively bite each other, which is something they apparently do sometimes. They grow teeth and want to start using them. Who can really blame them? That being said, not biting people is pretty cool, in my opinion. I’m glad that the toddlers I have worked with have decided to use their teeth for good.

So yeah. Honestly, I think toddlers are generally solid. Pretty good update to baby.

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