Hold that thought: Reasons for having a bed cup holder

This weekend, as I was doing totally normal activities for an 18-year-old on a Saturday night (fake shopping for mattresses in a Raymour and Flanigan), I noticed something I’d never seen before: a cup holder in a bed frame. When I saw the indentations of those gloomy gray disc-shaped holes, I went into a complete state of shock. I just couldn’t possibly comprehend why anyone would put a cup holder in a bed. I mean, I’ve seen the usual cup holder locations—cars, movie theaters, that one floatie that’s two seconds away from tipping over and ruining an aspiring micro-influencer’s TikTok—but a bed, never. So, naturally, I began pondering reasons why someone would need a cup holder in their bed. And, well, I’m no genius, but, not to toot my own horn, I’m pretty sure the reasons I came up with are near perfect. So, here they are.

  1. For going totally “Real Housewives” on someone

When you’re in a fight with your significant other or, more accurately for me, your dog, you need a prop to express just how irate you are. Because flipping your hair and walking away just isn’t enough anymore. Maybe in Congress in the 1700s, when everyone wore chic wigs, tossing your pale, puffy white hair would suffice, but now, in the days when people have to watch a video of Subway Surfers in order to simultaneously watch any other video, flipping your hair will simply not do. And you can’t even excommunicate people anymore, so having a prop is the next best thing. You could go with a classic prop like a burning picture of you together, but just in case you don’t want to set your house on fire, there’s something even better: a cup of water. With a cup holder in your bed, you can have your water cup at the ready for any potential argument. If your partner says, “Your chicken pot pie was slightly subpar today”: boom, water in their face. Splash it right at them just like the popular kids slushied the glee club in “Glee.” Imagine they’re your favorite Justin Timberlake knockoff, Will Schuester, teaching a Spanish class in a culturally inappropriate sombrero, and you’ll have no trouble drowning your partner in water. When they say to you, “Do you think you could please turn down the heat just a bit? It’s 90 degrees in here,” forget about being Tim, the accountant who loves his job and looks forward to logging information into his Rolodex every night, and think about becoming Stephashgraceleigh, the 35-year-old multi-millionaire who already has 20 botox injections and whose favorite activities include sunburning in hopes that it will turn into a tan, asking people what an economy seat on an airplane is and mispronouncing the word tortilla at Mexican restaurants. The world is your oyster when it comes to drip, drip, dropping water on someone’s face. And just like the amusement park in New Hampshire, when someone is disturbing your Funtown, make sure to bring Splashtown to them.

  1. For performing the Cups Song, obviously

We all know “Pitch Perfect.” But did you know that bed cup holders were actually created in conjunction with the famed Barden Bellas? The cup song is so popular, why not have it ready for you in bed too? Just like in pickleball, you have to keep yourself out of the kitchen, so you have to have a cup in bed. Because the pitch isn’t just perfect, the whole sitch is perfect when you get to serenade your bed with a classic 2010s hit. Like every Ken in the “Barbie” movie knows from their days of guitaring, nothing beats an unsolicited performance complete with props. Wow, you’ve even got me singing: “Cup holder, cup holder, cup holder, you’re gonna need a cup holder.” Just like North sang “what are those” and Kim’s eyes flowed like hoses, your song brings beauty to our lives.

  1. As a makeshift dunce cap

I get it—no one really uses dunce caps anymore. And I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with that. Whatever happened to good ol’ embarrassment of innocent and unsuspecting kids. This whole gentle parenting situation has gotten out of hand. Because if you’re going to act like a clown, you might as well look like one too. So welcome whoever enters your room to Ronald McDonald’s funhouse because you sure are going to have some fun. Someone’s having a nightmare? Make sure to securely fasten their new helmet. Dog peed in the house again? Looks like Snuffles is going as a bad elf for Halloween. Maybe Santa Paws will redeem him, maybe not. And, in case of emergency, make sure to put on your own dunce cap before helping others because there’s no emergency exit from your own stupidity.

Well, you see now how truly important it is to have a cup holder in your very own bed. How could you possibly live without one? And before you mention that I missed the obvious reason for having a bed cup holder—hydration—don’t worry, I already thought about it and it’s just not realistic. You’d more likely accidentally spill it in the middle of the night than you’d obtain hydration when you’re truly parched. Midnight water is for your bedside table, which is also commonly used as a podium for your best thoughts. In fact, I’m actually standing on my bedside table and I think I’m getting one now: For the perfect chicken pot pie, add some time—preferably 20 years in which you can marry rich, become best friends with Stephashgraceleigh, and have her recommend a good private chef to you.

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