This Wednesday, Vassar’s largest dining center released a statement explaining why they installed a permanent 15-foot coffee sign over an area that does not serve coffee. In order to match the “Gordon Commons” sign, they stated, the Deece has rebranded all of their stations with names no one calls them.
The Deece began this drastic change two weeks ago when they removed all mutual funds and capital investments from the Stocks station. But no one really noticed, despite the fact that all checking deposits had been replaced with oatmeal.
Next, the Deece approached Home and Oasis, removing all house-shaped structures from the former and several sandy outposts from the latter. But perhaps the most jarring revision of all was when they removed all frustrated Jewish grandmothers from the Deli. “Who would be there to complain that their slice of cheese wasn’t thin enough?” student Connoisseur De’Zabars ’26 stated.
The Deece received major pushback when they completely removed the bricks from the Brick Oven. Over the span of three days, students furiously did absolutely nothing at all, having not paid attention to the change. “Vassar students are so engrossed in their phones,” Addick T. Id, Vassar’s Senior Vice President for Catching People on their Phones, stated. “We could rename the Deece to something wild, like Gordon Commons, and no one would really notice.”
In renaming the Brick Oven station, Deece staff members expressed frustration that there wasn’t a shorter name for a tasty sliced pie of dough, sauce and cheese. We tried “Brick Oven,” “dough with sauce and cheese,” “sauce with dough and cheese,” “dough with cheese and sauce,” “cheese with sauce and dough” and “dough with cheese-coated sauce basting,” Deece namer Misty F. Iyed stated. “I wish we had just one word to explain the concept of ‘pizza.’”
When it came time to install the “Coffee” sign over the non-coffee station, Deece engineers figured it would be as easy as pie (specifically the kind served there). But it turned out to be as difficult as cupcake. The sign took five hours to install. “We didn’t think it would be hard,” Iyed stated. “It was supposed to be a piece of cake. But we got ourselves into a pickle.”
The Deece staff next approached the Root station and, after stating its name three times, began furiously expressing their support for the home team. “If they don’t win, it’s a shame,” Iyed helpfully added. After clarifying the number of strikes that would constitute an out at an antiquated game of ball, they finally approached The Farmer’s Table. As you may notice, the farmer has mysteriously vanished. Deece staff have instructed the community not to think about it too much.