“Huh? A final? What’s that?” In the days leading up to Study Period, you may notice a student who sits in the Retreat and appears to have absolutely no work to do, despite the fact that finals are mere days away. This is Dave.
The Miscellany News was granted a rare interview with Dave last week, who managed to fit it in between his TikTok-binging time and his second major Instagram scroll of the day. Through our discussion, we caught a glimpse into the mind of this campus legend.
Dave said he is enrolled in a demanding curriculum of classes. He immerses himself in English by speaking it every day, watches actors in TV shows for chemistry and goes on Fizz for fizzicks. He is also considering taking political science as another science class.
Dave says that he somehow has no finals and is leaving a month earlier than most. “One of the most important things you can get at college is absolutely nothing,” Dave told us. “My college experience was totally worth the $300 billion tuition I paid to go here.”
We asked Dave if his professors will supplant his lack of finals with papers. Dave said, “Papers? Yes! Papers are my favorite thing besides rocks and scissors.”
The Psychological Science Department has announced that Dave will be their first participant in a study on mental degradation. However, some researchers have raised ethical concerns. “What if Dave’s level of brain activity is so low that it causes our researchers emotional harm?” one student intern pondered.
After we left the psychology building, Dave told us he likes all of the buildings on campus but wishes they had more practical purposes. “I feel like this campus has so much potential. What if we used our buildings for something more than displaying incorrect coffee signs? Heck, you could even fit a highly selective, open-curriculum, small liberal arts college in here,” Dave told us.
We then had to pause our interview with Dave so he could undertake his daily routine of being fearlessly consequential for a few minutes.
Dave plans to leave campus Sunday but is contemplating staying another week to continue torturing busy students, informing them that he is staying on campus despite having no work to do at all. “It’s like a super expensive hotel,” Dave stated. “You can get a room described as ‘coffin-like’ for only $800 billion!”
Dave assures us that despite his habitual absenteeism, he is taking full advantage of his Vassar education. “Although I’ve learned nothing,” he stated, “I’ve learned a lot along the way.”