Hi! Oh my god, you again? Why do you keep coming into my office when you don’t need any career advice? Didn’t you already get hired a couple months ago? How many times do I have to tell you that this is a SERIOUS place for SERIOUS career counseling? I have a million computer science majors coming in an hour, so you need to get out of here.
Sigh. I’m sure there’s some garbage lying around that you can play with while I call security. Here, take this quiz:
- Question 1: Where did you and your boyfriend meet?
- A: In a regular place like a cafe, bar, gym, etc.
- B: I was just a dedicated fan! His beautiful, crackly voice captivated me as he struggled to do different voices for NPCs.
- C: I don’t have a boyfriend.
- Question 2: What do you admire the most about your partner?
- A: He’s so sweet, dependable, caring, honest, hardworking. He’s everything I could ever ask for. And I love how he bounces on it with no hands.
- B: Bro is the best min/max gamer I know and his rizz is frictionless. Don’t tell anyone this, but I’m pretty sure he wrote Pokémon Uranium.
- C: Again, I’m not dating anyone right now.
- Question 3: Where do you see your relationship in five years?
- A: I don’t want to be premature, but I definitely see a ring in my future!
- B: I hope he takes me to Los Angeles so we can go to E3 together and practice our Japanese while we’re waiting in line to see Oshawott, my favorite Pokémon. I know water types aren’t super popular but I think they’re really underrated and—
- C: I hope I can at least BE in a relationship in five years.
- Question 4: How would you describe your ideal date?
- A: Honestly, any time that I get to spend with him is magical and romantic.
- B: We pull out the Pinot noir and light some candles. Playing on the TV is…PeanutButterGamer, our favorite YouTuber.
- C: They have a pulse and are breathing.
- Question 5: If you had to describe your partner in one word, what would it be?
- A: Effervescent.
- B: Prepubescent.
- C: Nonexistent.
If you answered mostly As…you love him! That’s for sure. You love him a lot. Like so much. It’s kind of crazy how much you love him. Does he love you? Who’s to say? Maybe he doesn’t love you at all. The important thing is that you definitely 100-percent love him.
If you answered mostly Bs…you’re still hoping to be featured on his Pokémon Let’s Play Channel from middle school! Although he hasn’t posted videos on there in five years, you’re still holding out for the dream of one day collaborating with Pikaturd96 and playing Emerald together. Keep your head up! If you consistently spam him on Instagram, he might reply one day.
If you answered mostly Cs…you should watch Daniel Sloss’ “Jigsaw.” The world is so amatonormative these days. Every Disney princess ends up in a relationship. You can be super close friends with someone your whole life, but the second they start dating some random guy, you become Plan B. We use phrases like “forever alone” and “doomed to be single.” Leave your house and smell the flowers. Eat a sandwich. Write a poem. You don’t need to be in a relationship. The world is so much more than it seems. Peace.