What’s going on? Nothing, apparently. The United States of America has been in shock as absolutely nothing of note has occurred in the news as of the last few weeks. Experts are calling it a “chill time” and advise that every able-bodied American “grab a beer and unwind” in these notably not-strange nor trying times. Major publications are running headlines noting this regularity, with editors and columnists alike publishing taglines such as “Guess it’s cloudy today,” and “Maybe our coffee could be better.” It’s not the end of the world as we know it, and personally, I feel alright about the whole situation. Every hammock on campus is occupied and Sunset Lake is surrounded by a line of students staring off into the distance longingly. Brewers from Noyes to Joss are reading Francis Fukuyama and agreeing that, quite possibly, history is over.
After a tumultuous few years, it has surprised many Americans that January of 2025 has become the month of really nothing of note happening. Even attempting to Google current events just loads a collage of art with the message “Go Touch Grass or Something,” written out in comic sans. This happening, or lack thereof, has piqued the interest of many notable people on campus. When asked for comment on how nothing is happening, President Bradley had one thing to say.
“Well, we could always build another hotel if we get bored.” Bradley chuckled before driving away in her Range Rover.
Hoping to get a more analytical and up-to-date response, The Miscellany News reached out to The White House for comment.
“I don’t know, I’m just a house,” the White House said.
This comment comes after Operation Suntan, wherein all three branches of the government have taken a month-long sabbatical to enjoy the beaches of Puerto Rico. Locals report the Supreme Court Justices overturning beaches with their metal detectors and Mitch McConnell figuring out what mofongo is. The Misc’s source for this information was a man in a cloak standing ominously in the Shakespeare Garden.
In the attempt of getting a more international perspective, The Miscellany News reached out to various Middle Eastern leaders for comment on current events. Unfortunately, the paper doesn’t have any translators so we will just assume nothing is happening there as well.
In response to the lack of anything happening, a group of students have begun camping out on the library lawn demanding nothing and just chilling out. They have titled themselves as the SJP (Students Just Playing) and were seen burning marshmallows according to various sources.
“It’s in boring times like these where us students really become the voice of the people,” said SJP leader Joe Schmoeson. “If not now, then when can we just lay around and like, I don’t know, listen to Oasis or something. Anyways, I gotta go, we’re interrupting a Board of Trustees meeting with snacks and beverages to thank them for coming to campus.”
As January comes to an end, it’s fair to say that our campus and nation are just kind of hanging around. It remains to be seen if anything newsworthy should happen soon, and TheMisc is sure a good new movie or album will come out soon and cause some feelings in the general public sometime in the near future. Regardless, I’m off to put up my hammock and take a nap. Maybe I’ll even go to class.