Hey guys, goose here. You probably know me from my honking, my work at the front of our iconic “V” formation or my, ahem, decoration of Sunset Lake and the surrounding area. That’s fine! I wish people recognized my other hobbies more often (I snowboard and paint miniatures), but I am proud of all the previous things I mentioned.
What I’m not so proud of is this new association with “bird flu.” Okay, sure, it killed my buddy Carl. But if I’m being totally honest, he was a wuss. Even worm flu probably would have taken him down. I just can’t believe that after everything birds have achieved in the last 150 million years—evolving from dinosaurs, flying around, carrying messages for you, getting into plane engines, hitting windows, painting miniatures, occasionally losing the ability to fly (penguins: our weakest link) and so much more—you’re letting this “bird flu” define our relationship.
Also, I find the names “bird flu” and “avian flu” totally unfair. Sure, it started with us, but you know what’s far more common? Regular old influenza, which you know simply as the “flu.” How come I never hear anyone call it “human flu?” I suppose you high and mighty humans are above blame. The only humans who can really understand what the birds are going through are Spaniards. They know what it’s like to be unfairly blamed for a flu. Estamos con vosotros, nuestros hermanos ibéricos.
The other thing that really grinds my gears is all this talk about “avoiding contact with birds.” Whatever, I guess. It’s your business. But it seems to me that statements like “stay away from all birds” assume that birds want anything to do with you in the first place, which is totally arrogant. We actually have a lot going on. I went to five separate bird parties this weekend, none of which you were invited to, just so you know.
One more thing: How come I only hear humans talk about bird problems when it affects them? Now that you’re worried about getting sick and having to pay $12 for eggs, it’s all “bird flu, bird flu, bird flu.” But when we’re dealing with something that doesn’t harm humans, I don’t hear a peep. Did you know that arthritis affects millions of birds, especially sparrows and blue jays? Or that alcoholism is a serious problem among corvids? I bet you didn’t, you self-centered monster. Because everything just has to be about you.
You people disgust me. Don’t even get me started on what it means when humans say they “goosed” somebody. If I had fingers, you know what I would do?
Flip you the bird.