Aries
In the coming week, you should try making buffalo chicken dip in the Deece. Don’t worry, nobody will look at you weird while you wander around with bowls of chicken and buffalo sauce. Just walk with confidence. You know what you’re about.
Taurus
RESIST THE URGE to spend all your Arlington bucks before spring break. There’s gonna come a dark dark time at the end of the semester that only one thing can fix: “Tony’s Taco” from Bacio’s.
Gemini
Watch out the next time you go to get Greek yogurt at the Deece. Unfortunately, the stars have indicated someone is going to replace it all with grout this week.
Cancer
I know you’re really sad about the lack of fried eggs and everything; we’re all feeling the shortage. I must inform you though, the best way to handle these emotions is NOT to egg PB’s house with scrambled eggs. They don’t even stick, you’re just throwing eggs into her bushes. Can’t even see ’em.
Leo
This is the week someone is gonna catch you pocketing Nutrigrain bars at The Retreat. When it happens, the only appropriate course of action is to drop a Molotov cocktail. Keep one on you. Don’t let the man win.
Virgo
I sense a sort of piqued curiosity plaguing your soul this week. Try an experiment! How many Deece scones can you fit in your bra? (I’ve gotten to nine.) What would happen if you mixed applesauce and carbonated water? Maybe it would be cool.
Libra
I know the guilt is getting to be too much. The stars have told me every single Libra at this school has at least three Deece dishes in their room. Returning them would be WAY too embarrassing. Your best move would be to throw them off the Mid-Hudson Bridge. Plastic dishes might float—better fill their pockets with rocks first.
Scorpio
This week you should try to exercise your creative faculties. Might I suggest a performance art piece? Just get naked and lie where they put the Deece pizza. I bet it’s super warm and it’ll be like a critique on society. Or on shrimp pizza. Put a shrimp on your crotch.
Sagittarius
You guys are really gonna have the best week. Like way better than everyone else. You’re gonna be the first person to get tomato soup in the Deece, plus you’ll have a booth to yourself, plus you’ll get the first scoop of mint chip ice cream. Watch your back though, nobody likes the bourgeoisie.
Capricorn
I know you’ve been trying really hard to make new friends this year. This week is your week buddy! All you’ve got to do is plop down right in the middle of the table when the rowing team has breakfast super early. Just talk about how much you love their uniform onesies and stuff, you’ll fit right in!
Aquarius
The danishes at the Deece just aren’t that good. Let it go. There are plenty of other yummy things. Grab a croissant and accept it. I feel for you, but you’ve gotta stop letting the pretty colors trick you.
Pisces
You’ve gotta be careful at Street Eats this week. Everyone there HATES you so they’re going to put KEYS in your FOOD. You deserve it, you son of a bitch.